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I think I'm hitting that sort of melancholy useless point of the night. I'll get over it fairly briefly, probably. But it's hard to believe in the meantime. If I were smarter, I'd jsut go to bed. It isn't like I'm getting much done right now. Instead, I'm listening to a bunch of just-on-the-edge-of-melodramatic Israeli dance songs, writing this, and getting nothing done.
In more practical (and dull) matters, I found my lip gloss/lipstick, and borrowed nail polish from![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
tovah623 for formal. Knowing myself, I'm somewhat bemused that I'm going to this thing. Not usually the sort of thing I end up at. If this parallels high school and I end up going this year, and not either my junior or senior years, I'll laugh- or something like that. Eh, it'll be fun, I hope. I'm sure it won't be my sort of music- maybe I'll dance anyways. We'll see. In comparison to high school- at least I actually know Dave, versus having been speaking to Ivan rather sporadically (read: at weekly rehearsal, mostly during our 15 minute breaks, and when there were no brass parts) for about 3 weeks.
I've been thinking some about free will and predestination, and divine intervention lately. I've always found it odd that when I pray, I'm always asking G-d to help me with this or that, or to take care of person x in particular- that sort of thing. But I also generally believe in free will, so- that doesn't blend entirely well. But I haven't been able to justify changing either. Sometimes I try to rationalize it with the theory that maybe prayer works like when, in regular life, you can't do something, so you ask for help, and immediately you manage it on your own. So just asking G-d lets me do things on my own. But somehow that seems more than a bit forced. And well, what about all those dreams that just have to be telling me something? Ok, that could just be insight. Sometimes I feel like I just have to be having more than just the usual insight. I know, sounds ridiculous. But it's almost enough to make me believe in fate and all that. Grr, confusion. I don't so much like the idea that certain aspects of my future are laid out for me, regardless whether I'd like those things to happen or not.
Spring semester seems to be my time for these sorts of dilemmas. I managed a good one last year, I guess this is mine for this year. Maybe it's just the season and the hormones and hte like? I don't know- I somehow doubt it. But I'd have said the same last year. And this is not so much hormones. In fact, it isn't hormone related at all, I don't think. (Argh, overuse of qualifiers again.)
In more practical (and dull) matters, I found my lip gloss/lipstick, and borrowed nail polish from
tovah623 for formal. Knowing myself, I'm somewhat bemused that I'm going to this thing. Not usually the sort of thing I end up at. If this parallels high school and I end up going this year, and not either my junior or senior years, I'll laugh- or something like that. Eh, it'll be fun, I hope. I'm sure it won't be my sort of music- maybe I'll dance anyways. We'll see. In comparison to high school- at least I actually know Dave, versus having been speaking to Ivan rather sporadically (read: at weekly rehearsal, mostly during our 15 minute breaks, and when there were no brass parts) for about 3 weeks. I've been thinking some about free will and predestination, and divine intervention lately. I've always found it odd that when I pray, I'm always asking G-d to help me with this or that, or to take care of person x in particular- that sort of thing. But I also generally believe in free will, so- that doesn't blend entirely well. But I haven't been able to justify changing either. Sometimes I try to rationalize it with the theory that maybe prayer works like when, in regular life, you can't do something, so you ask for help, and immediately you manage it on your own. So just asking G-d lets me do things on my own. But somehow that seems more than a bit forced. And well, what about all those dreams that just have to be telling me something? Ok, that could just be insight. Sometimes I feel like I just have to be having more than just the usual insight. I know, sounds ridiculous. But it's almost enough to make me believe in fate and all that. Grr, confusion. I don't so much like the idea that certain aspects of my future are laid out for me, regardless whether I'd like those things to happen or not.
Spring semester seems to be my time for these sorts of dilemmas. I managed a good one last year, I guess this is mine for this year. Maybe it's just the season and the hormones and hte like? I don't know- I somehow doubt it. But I'd have said the same last year. And this is not so much hormones. In fact, it isn't hormone related at all, I don't think. (Argh, overuse of qualifiers again.)