Yom Kippur Reflections

Yom Kippur at JTS was an interesting experience. I davened at the Kehillah minyan at night, which was not really what I needed- too much English talking stuff, not enough feeling like people were really praying. It wasn't that the readings weren't good, or that I'm opposed to readings: but the readings felt like things that might stir one's prayers rather than prayerful contributions, and the rest of the time, it just didn't feel like people were praying seriously. Oddly enough, out of that feeling of disconnect and frustration, I had some very good and strong moments of personal prayer, but I felt very out of place. I went because I'd heard some good things about it, and because I knew they used the Harlow machzor, and I figured hey, maybe it would be a good idea to keep one thing that I'm familiar with for my first YK somewhere new that I'm really unsure of as far as high holy days go. So, there it was, a familiar book. And that was sort of reassuring, but there was this feeling at times sort of like the shul at which I grew up, and that wasn't right for me.

So this morning I went to the main service in the auditorium. It wasn't perfect, but it suited me much better. I was really iffy when they practically started out by starting at the end of birkot hashakhar- next year, presuming that I'm here, I'll just say those before I get there, or before the service starts- not a big deal at all, and then skipping some parts of Psukei D'Zimra. That made me really wonder what the service would be like. But then it was a pretty darn full service after that, and the only things skipped were a chunk of the piyyutim. My other quibble was that the shlikhei tzibbur were not very good about presenting tunes that people could sing along with, or rather, about presenting tunes in such a way that people could sing along. So it was a quieter sort of service than I'm used to. It wasn't bad, but it wasn't as involving in that way. And it was slightly harder to keep track of where I was, but that had to do more with the siddur- that service uses the Silverman siddur. On the other hand, in many ways I really liked using that siddur, I really felt good about the fuller, more traditional text, somehow. I'm not usually interested in having some of the stuff it included, but for Yom Kippur, it felt right in some way, at least most of it. It all worked out for me. And somehow it felt like it went by very quickly- maybe because there were moments when we just skipped several pages of piyyutim, and maybe partially from my mindset, but it seemed not to be rushing me, but still going through and I wasn't sitting there bored. There was also a much more traditional Avodah service than I've previously encountered, and that worked too, although I got lost once or twice, and was very surprised that there only the chazzan made a full prostration, although there were some other folks who did so for the Aleinu preceding it. So I was a lemming and also didn't do the full bows there, and felt silly that I didn't.

I think the experience was helped a little bit by the fact that I had some folks I knew sitting by me, friends from dancing- one whom I've known for years (who disappeared after yizkor- I don't know where she went: maybe she didn't like the service and used that as an opportunity to go elsewhere, maybe she wasn't feeling well, maybe she went to class- I have no idea), and the other whom I've met between dancing and morning minyan here. And sitting alone is ok, but sometimes, especially during long services in rooms packed with people one doesn't know, I find it somehow useful to sit with someone I know- it just sort of frees up that piece of anxiety about "does the person next to me think I'm a shuckling freak?" and lets me focus better. And as much as YK is about being there for yourself and on your own and it being between you and G-d, having a comfortable environment helps me to let go and really focus on the davenen.

And afterwards a couple of my classmates and I stayed and helped to clean up a little bit, and then we went and changed and walked together to break-fast at another classmate's apartment, which was really nice. And I came back with leftovers from the applecrisp I brought.

Yom Kippur Reflections

Yom Kippur at JTS was an interesting experience. I davened at the Kehillah minyan at night, which was not really what I needed- too much English talking stuff, not enough feeling like people were really praying. It wasn't that the readings weren't good, or that I'm opposed to readings: but the readings felt like things that might stir one's prayers rather than prayerful contributions, and the rest of the time, it just didn't feel like people were praying seriously. Oddly enough, out of that feeling of disconnect and frustration, I had some very good and strong moments of personal prayer, but I felt very out of place. I went because I'd heard some good things about it, and because I knew they used the Harlow machzor, and I figured hey, maybe it would be a good idea to keep one thing that I'm familiar with for my first YK somewhere new that I'm really unsure of as far as high holy days go. So, there it was, a familiar book. And that was sort of reassuring, but there was this feeling at times sort of like the shul at which I grew up, and that wasn't right for me.

So this morning I went to the main service in the auditorium. It wasn't perfect, but it suited me much better. I was really iffy when they practically started out by starting at the end of birkot hashakhar- next year, presuming that I'm here, I'll just say those before I get there, or before the service starts- not a big deal at all, and then skipping some parts of Psukei D'Zimra. That made me really wonder what the service would be like. But then it was a pretty darn full service after that, and the only things skipped were a chunk of the piyyutim. My other quibble was that the shlikhei tzibbur were not very good about presenting tunes that people could sing along with, or rather, about presenting tunes in such a way that people could sing along. So it was a quieter sort of service than I'm used to. It wasn't bad, but it wasn't as involving in that way. And it was slightly harder to keep track of where I was, but that had to do more with the siddur- that service uses the Silverman siddur. On the other hand, in many ways I really liked using that siddur, I really felt good about the fuller, more traditional text, somehow. I'm not usually interested in having some of the stuff it included, but for Yom Kippur, it felt right in some way, at least most of it. It all worked out for me. And somehow it felt like it went by very quickly- maybe because there were moments when we just skipped several pages of piyyutim, and maybe partially from my mindset, but it seemed not to be rushing me, but still going through and I wasn't sitting there bored. There was also a much more traditional Avodah service than I've previously encountered, and that worked too, although I got lost once or twice, and was very surprised that there only the chazzan made a full prostration, although there were some other folks who did so for the Aleinu preceding it. So I was a lemming and also didn't do the full bows there, and felt silly that I didn't.

I think the experience was helped a little bit by the fact that I had some folks I knew sitting by me, friends from dancing- one whom I've known for years (who disappeared after yizkor- I don't know where she went: maybe she didn't like the service and used that as an opportunity to go elsewhere, maybe she wasn't feeling well, maybe she went to class- I have no idea), and the other whom I've met between dancing and morning minyan here. And sitting alone is ok, but sometimes, especially during long services in rooms packed with people one doesn't know, I find it somehow useful to sit with someone I know- it just sort of frees up that piece of anxiety about "does the person next to me think I'm a shuckling freak?" and lets me focus better. And as much as YK is about being there for yourself and on your own and it being between you and G-d, having a comfortable environment helps me to let go and really focus on the davenen.

And afterwards a couple of my classmates and I stayed and helped to clean up a little bit, and then we went and changed and walked together to break-fast at another classmate's apartment, which was really nice. And I came back with leftovers from the applecrisp I brought.