How Egalitarian is Egalitarian?

[debka_notion]

So in the last big-Jewish-post (on counting non-egal women in an egal minyan, where egal is gender-egalitarian, for my pickier readers), I remembered that Egal here also has an interesting attitude (which has been changing and vacillating: it's definitely an in-process thing) on people who don't use certain ritualwear. A lot of it is based on long-term social norms from the larger (read: Orthodox) community, certainly. But it certainly isn't gender-egalitarian in its assumptions there.

The particular issue I'm thinking of is divided into 2 areas, and I freely admit that I'm often as guilty of both as the next person. But I'm working on it.

Part 1: If a man shows up to the minyan, especially say, on a weekday morning, when people tend to assume that it's only people who are strongly committed to observance in an egalitarian setting who show up (little else will get a college student up to be somewhere at 7:45 when it isn't absolutely required), someone will dig up a spare kippah and offer it to him- and get offended if he declines (this has all happened). So for a man to be there with his head uncovered comes across as offensive or unacceptable at the very least. But there are generally several women there, often women who do wear a tallit or even tfillin at the appropriate times who don't cover their head in any way, and no one objects at all. No one offers them a kippah or other headcovering (and Egal is the only egalitarian minyan I've seen without a supply of the lace-doily-things. Kippot can pretty easily be seen as beged ish, even though I don't see them that way, especially the sorts that hand around in public-kippah-bins. Maybe minyanim (pl. of minyan) ought to keep a supply of cocktail hats*?). I know head covering is only minhag- but then why make such a fuss if a man chooses not to wear one?

Part 2: Both men and women are given assorted honors in the community, and with the exceptions of hagbah (lifting the torah) and candle lighting, these are given quite gender-neutrally. (I see another piece of writing coming up- but that is Off Topic For Now.) But when a man is given an honor and he is not wearing a tallit, he is often offered someone's for the period that he is specifically in public sight, and he will rarely refuse. There are men who don't wear a tallit customarily because they don't have one or think it is not necessary, and there are men who don't wear one because they wear a tallit-katan (a 4--cournered undergarment with the knotted fringes on each corner that fulfill the mitzvah-requirement that the tallit fulfills in a more decorative and prayer-time specific way), and don't believe that unmarried men should wear a tallit except when actively participating in a service. Either way, the offer is made, and usually accepted. Women (who yes, are less likely to wear a tallit: some folks feel like it's men's clothing, and therefore forbidden, or they jsut aren't interested in wearing one.) are less likely to be offered a tallit. I've noticed this even at mincha (the afternoon prayer) where no one besides the people actively participating wear a tallit. So a woman who normally wears a tallit in the morning will have an honor and not be offered a tallit when a man who doesn't wear one except when asked to will be offered one and accept. Here the folks at the minyan are getting better about offering- but it's an interesting statement that they/we have to think consciously to do so, when with men it's an assumption.


*Preferably the ones without veiling over the eyes: religious head coverings ought not to send sexual signals. I've swapped into footnotes here because I was stacking entirely too many parentheses.

Comments

[doodah.livejournal.com]

Actually, if they are single and don't have mothers who light with them in mind (or married with wives who don't light, or in a different time zone from their mother/wife, etc.), men are obligated to light for themselves. I know plenty of guys who do. I've always thought it was a nice ritual for guys or girls.

I've never seen a woman do hagbah in shul - probably because I've always davened orthodox! - but I've danced with the Torah for Simchas Torah, and I bet plenty of women are strong enough to do the lifting. (Assuming that their not doing hagbah is a strength issue, seeing as how most communities would rather not fast for 40 days if the Torah falls and seeing as men are stereotypically stronger than women.)

I like this post. It reminded me of this story: I was teaching at a conservative shul last year. Things were going well, despite some minor "disagreements" over lesson plans (I wanted to teach kashrut), until it was my class's turn to lead Shabbat davening. They invited me for that Shabbos, and I agreed to come under the conditions that I would be able to sit quietly in the front row, off towards one side, in case the kids needed me, and then slip out right before the Amidah. When I got there, the principal and the rabbi forced me to both come up onto the "stage" near the bimmah (weird shul layout) and wear a stupid lace doily thing - on threat of my job. I know that wouldn't be a big deal for most people, but I was embarrassed and furious. The main reason I don't think I could daven with a conservative minyan: I hate the feeling of people looking at me. Sooooo much. I know, I know - "they're probably all concentrating on davening" - but still. The mechitzah makes me feel safe. I don't look at anyone else, and I don't feel like anyone else is looking at me.

I'm pretty sure that total egalitarianism would be impossible. Which is sad.

[debka-notion.livejournal.com]

I have seen women do hagbah once or twice, and I know that men are obligated- but what we're talking about isn't lighting for themselves, it's lighting "for" the minyan, between minchah and kabbalat shabbat. Mostly it gets used (from a gabbay's perspective) as an honor for girls who are sort of shy of more complex participation or who aren't egal. Presumably lots of people will have lit before coming anyways.

So your employers renegged on their agreement? Ugh. That said, I feel much more on display at Orthodox shuls- where I feel like people are going to judge me by what I'm wearing (what standard of tzniut, what I have or don't have on my head, etc, etc: someone came up to me and told me that I don't have to cover my hair until I get married once), with whom I sit or don't, etc. In Conservative settings, I'm just part of the community.

[doodah.livejournal.com]

That's so interesting...I guess since I dress tzniusly anyhow (and since a few girls always show up in short sleeves, pants, short skirts, see-through shirts, low-cut shirts, etc.) and always sit in the same place (in the front, where I have no idea who is looking at me) and know most of the people in the room (whose opinions about my appearance don't mean a thing to me), davening with BOO is not a big deal for me. At other ortho shuls, women rarely come, so I also feel comfortable.

I feel so claustrophobic when other people are within touching distance during davening. I just want it to be me and Hashem and to be able to forget about everyone else in the room for those few minutes. Perhaps I'm not cut out for community davening. :) That being said, I am still going to try to come to Egal, just once, to see what it's like.

[debka-notion.livejournal.com]

I usually like to have some space when I'm davening, and more so if I'm in an insecure mood. But there are times when knowing that there are people right near me is a comfort and contributes rather than injures my prayer experience. There are some sorts of prayers where it really is a community affair, or where having a community there makes it more powerful. Sometimes I do have a more powerful/personal experience praying on my own, but not always, by far.