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Hey Folks, however you're getting to read this. Presumably I'll try and communicate this journal's presence over time, but I'm really not sure exactly what I plan on doing with it yet. So... It'll be an adventure as it goes along. So for now, we'll see.
This weekend was pretty interesting. I had Shabbat dinner with folks at the residence of OD, as we were all parent-less for parents' weekend, and the usual Hillel event is huge, zoo-like and scary. It was a very pleasant dinner, and I ended up playing easy card games with JG after dinner while some other folks taught and learned Eucre, a game far beyond our comprehensions. Nevertheless, even playing crazy eights and go fish, she won consistently. Later on, we adjourned for tea, mostly in a general pile on OD's bed, and another friend (and I've cleared that saying friend is permissible- more on this later) hanging out across the room, which worried me, because he'd (we'll call him steve for now) had something to drink, in the less innocent version of something to drink. And drunken folk generally disturb me: my experiences with them have not been so good before: mostly watching vomitting, really disturbing comments, inappropriate behavior (a pinch to my tuchus), and one not very efficient, but well emotionally demonstrative suicide attempt. But OD was giving steve some space, so I presumed this was what was right to do, because OD knows steve far better than I do. So I feel guilty over that, because usually my instinct is to go and try to include anyone who's alone. But I can't read steve well, so I relied on someone else's judgement. I don't know- maybe it was for the best, I can't tell. But it certainly didn't seem so. In any case, taht portion of the evening ended with me getting kind of emotionally overdone in that late-night sort of way, having a short cry on OD's shoulder, and realizing that I did indeed have several friends I wasn't aware that I had. OD seems to have Made himself my friend, something that surprises and rather confuses me. DB I'd already let myself believe was a friend, as the critical flow of delicate information has already gone both ways. But that seems to be my way of qualifying who's a friend: someone who both trusts me and whom I cna trust. So yes, I think I can trust OD, but it still surprises me- this being so different from last year. I'm not sure when I'll let myself take him up on that extension of friendship: it takes me far too long to assimilate that notion of friendship, except in rare cases where people open up to me first, I guess. And I can't see OD doing that. On the other hand, I never forsaw that he'd want to be friends at all. Definitely goes in the category of interpersonal pretty-much-miracles.
It's funny how much energy new friendships take- I'd not noticed that before. It gave me some worries about how I was giving that more energy than I was giving Nathan (yes, I know I'm being highly inconsistant with naming in here- I'll pick one style someday, but don't count on it soon). Then he came over, and we talked about some of my worries with the whole issue of him talking as if he were sure we were going to get married, and me having my doubts still. (Which is perfectly justified, we've been going out less than 6 months. We're not Supposed to know.) He said it was his way of trying to make that happen, whereas I feel like that sort of jinxes things. I'm way too superstitious sometimes. But we sort of realized that our relationship is kind of stabilizing- it's not so up and excited and jittery as the beginnings of things are. I like it- it feels much more comfortable now, now that we've talked and realized that. OK, it took me a good cry to get there, but most things seem to. Story of my life...
Well, it's not so late, but I have to get up early for minyan (to quote PW "Yay minyan!", so this is it for my first post. We'll see how this experiment develops.
This weekend was pretty interesting. I had Shabbat dinner with folks at the residence of OD, as we were all parent-less for parents' weekend, and the usual Hillel event is huge, zoo-like and scary. It was a very pleasant dinner, and I ended up playing easy card games with JG after dinner while some other folks taught and learned Eucre, a game far beyond our comprehensions. Nevertheless, even playing crazy eights and go fish, she won consistently. Later on, we adjourned for tea, mostly in a general pile on OD's bed, and another friend (and I've cleared that saying friend is permissible- more on this later) hanging out across the room, which worried me, because he'd (we'll call him steve for now) had something to drink, in the less innocent version of something to drink. And drunken folk generally disturb me: my experiences with them have not been so good before: mostly watching vomitting, really disturbing comments, inappropriate behavior (a pinch to my tuchus), and one not very efficient, but well emotionally demonstrative suicide attempt. But OD was giving steve some space, so I presumed this was what was right to do, because OD knows steve far better than I do. So I feel guilty over that, because usually my instinct is to go and try to include anyone who's alone. But I can't read steve well, so I relied on someone else's judgement. I don't know- maybe it was for the best, I can't tell. But it certainly didn't seem so. In any case, taht portion of the evening ended with me getting kind of emotionally overdone in that late-night sort of way, having a short cry on OD's shoulder, and realizing that I did indeed have several friends I wasn't aware that I had. OD seems to have Made himself my friend, something that surprises and rather confuses me. DB I'd already let myself believe was a friend, as the critical flow of delicate information has already gone both ways. But that seems to be my way of qualifying who's a friend: someone who both trusts me and whom I cna trust. So yes, I think I can trust OD, but it still surprises me- this being so different from last year. I'm not sure when I'll let myself take him up on that extension of friendship: it takes me far too long to assimilate that notion of friendship, except in rare cases where people open up to me first, I guess. And I can't see OD doing that. On the other hand, I never forsaw that he'd want to be friends at all. Definitely goes in the category of interpersonal pretty-much-miracles.
It's funny how much energy new friendships take- I'd not noticed that before. It gave me some worries about how I was giving that more energy than I was giving Nathan (yes, I know I'm being highly inconsistant with naming in here- I'll pick one style someday, but don't count on it soon). Then he came over, and we talked about some of my worries with the whole issue of him talking as if he were sure we were going to get married, and me having my doubts still. (Which is perfectly justified, we've been going out less than 6 months. We're not Supposed to know.) He said it was his way of trying to make that happen, whereas I feel like that sort of jinxes things. I'm way too superstitious sometimes. But we sort of realized that our relationship is kind of stabilizing- it's not so up and excited and jittery as the beginnings of things are. I like it- it feels much more comfortable now, now that we've talked and realized that. OK, it took me a good cry to get there, but most things seem to. Story of my life...
Well, it's not so late, but I have to get up early for minyan (to quote PW "Yay minyan!", so this is it for my first post. We'll see how this experiment develops.
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