Concrete and Abstract

[debka_notion]

On the concrete level, we had our first HaMakor rehearsal today. It went well, although for too long. THere are definitely some points in my choreography that really work, and definitely some that need tweaking, and a couple that need major league changes. There's one bit near the end of the last song where I have Matthew (Joseph) kneeling, as well as most of the 'brothers', and the other two 'brothers' standing and holding his arms. I never intended it, but it looks intensely like a Jesus scene. It Has to go. Absolutely out. But when we realized it- it was pretty funny, in a self-deprecating way, for me. But worth the laughs. I'd forgotten how amusing and silly these rehearsals can get. Especially Ari (the husband of one of the HaMakorites, whose house we're rehearsing at) volunteers his "creative" choreography, including super-fast bread that will be finished by the end of our dance, in case people get distracted, since we're dancing about wheat. We got creative with adjectives after a while, in some odd equivalent to getting punch drunk: happy wheat, angry hands, deceptive brother, exasperated hands... I still feel nervous about some of the choreography, but I know there are some parts at least that Really work. And then there are things that need help. We'll see what can be done.

On the abstract level- I was talking with a few different folks recently about lonliness, and especially lonliness in a crowd. And I was realizing, during one of these conversations, that in some ways I think of it the same way I think of any unhappiness- that it is a gift, in a way. It makes you more aware of life. In this case- it's a potent expression of how strong your individuality is, and that you're Not another lemming. Sure, it's painful, sure I hate it when it happens. But no, I wouldn't want someone to just take it away from me if they could. I'd be insulted, both my their suggestion that I couldn't handle it, and that I wasn't enough of an individual to feel that way. I don't know of this is foolish pride on my part, but well: I value my individuality, and if that means occasional lonliness, well, I'll pay the price. This is all beyond my suspicion of anyone who says they can fix my problems easily. With work, and with my involvement- maybe. But well- unless it's a physical problem, I don't believe in easy answers. Generally if it's easy, it isn't the best answer, in these situations.

I've made some interesting realizations about a few steves recently.

Comments

[debka-notion.livejournal.com]

Well, when you're depressed, presumably things hurt more often. So when things are emotionally painful and you're not depressed, then how do you respond? Either way, I have a tendency to cry, but that's just my very enthusiastic tear ducts. But that does little that's really useful. Sometimes I think the best way to deal with being lonely in a crowd is to leave the crowd for a while. I don't know. But it's a feeling that I Think almost everyone feels sometimes, some folks more than others. Certainly hearing it from one of the folks I was talking with about it surprised me. One of the others- well, I think he meant it to surprise me, but I'm not that blind. DO you feel out of place only in larger social settings, or also smallish ones? Somehow when over a certain number of people appear, it starts getting harder to stay involved with- I think once there start being more than one, or maybe two conversations going on at once

[tirerim.livejournal.com]

I'm not sure how I respond when I'm not depressed; somehow, when I'm not, it's very easy to analyze my behavior when I am as being indicative of that. I think maybe I just shrug it off a lot easier.


The out-of-place feeling definitely gets worse in larger settings. Two or three other people is usually fine, but any more than that and it starts coming on stronger. If I'm continuously involved in a conversation then it's usually not very noticeable, but that's not usually the case, since a) I often have difficulty getting a word in edgewise in group conversations and b) because of this, I tend to just sit there quietly, since there's nothing I can do about it.

noticable...

[debka-notion.livejournal.com]

If you're involved in a conversation is it not noticable, or is it not there? I mean, if you're that involved, maybe you actually aren't feeling lonely then? Group conversations are hard. It seems like there's often no choice in between being silent and dominating the conversation. It's Annoying, capital A.

Re: noticable...

[tirerim.livejournal.com]

I think not noticeable and not being there are pretty much equivalent in this case, since it's a purely mental phenomenon.