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So for some reason, after a perfectly fine day, I dissolved into a puddle of tears, which is about where I remain, regardless of Liz's attempts to put me back together. I really am hopeless, aren't I? Just a general and complete mess. Nathan was being kind of self-centered: he'd had a frustrating day, and couldn't seem to get beyond that, and I was already kind of funky, since he'd neglected to tell me where he was last night, etc when we'd agreed that I'd call, and just because I'm somehow in an nasty mood. But he was so frustrated, I couldn't bear to interupt with my own general upsetness. So instead, I hung up feeling worse than when I started. What the heck use is that? And it's all my own frickin' fault, that I take everything personally and too seriously. He writes to me, and tells me he's so in love with me, and he never knew he was capable of that, etc. And I know he means it. So if I love him, and I'm generally darn sure that I do, why can't I say similar things? What's wrong with me? I always used to think that being in a relationship meant things were less stressful, not more so... I love him, but sometimes he just makes me so fed up. RIght now, I doubt that it's actually him- I think it's just the distance, and that I'm in a lousy mood. Given time before, I was just as willing to be upset over everything from people telling me things and me feeling unable to talk to them, to people insulting a friend of mine and me feeling caught in the middle, to simply missing having someone on whom I can cry and know that they know how to put me back together. Liz is great, but that particular knack in dealing-with-Maya she is lacking in. And talking to someone on IM just doesn't seem like it'll help. Why the heck can't I put myself back into a decent mood? I should go to sleep- there's minyan in the morning. But I can't. This is useless, and nastily repeating. I wish I knew what I really wanted, and could just ask for that and get it, rather than being a wreck so frequently. It isn't like this is unusual, jsut frustrating. I can't help but think that I just can't put things in the right set up. Other people manage it. SO why can't I
So for some reason, after a perfectly fine day, I dissolved into a puddle of tears, which is about where I remain, regardless of Liz's attempts to put me back together. I really am hopeless, aren't I? Just a general and complete mess. Nathan was being kind of self-centered: he'd had a frustrating day, and couldn't seem to get beyond that, and I was already kind of funky, since he'd neglected to tell me where he was last night, etc when we'd agreed that I'd call, and just because I'm somehow in an nasty mood. But he was so frustrated, I couldn't bear to interupt with my own general upsetness. So instead, I hung up feeling worse than when I started. What the heck use is that? And it's all my own frickin' fault, that I take everything personally and too seriously. He writes to me, and tells me he's so in love with me, and he never knew he was capable of that, etc. And I know he means it. So if I love him, and I'm generally darn sure that I do, why can't I say similar things? What's wrong with me? I always used to think that being in a relationship meant things were less stressful, not more so... I love him, but sometimes he just makes me so fed up. RIght now, I doubt that it's actually him- I think it's just the distance, and that I'm in a lousy mood. Given time before, I was just as willing to be upset over everything from people telling me things and me feeling unable to talk to them, to people insulting a friend of mine and me feeling caught in the middle, to simply missing having someone on whom I can cry and know that they know how to put me back together. Liz is great, but that particular knack in dealing-with-Maya she is lacking in. And talking to someone on IM just doesn't seem like it'll help. Why the heck can't I put myself back into a decent mood? I should go to sleep- there's minyan in the morning. But I can't. This is useless, and nastily repeating. I wish I knew what I really wanted, and could just ask for that and get it, rather than being a wreck so frequently. It isn't like this is unusual, jsut frustrating. I can't help but think that I just can't put things in the right set up. Other people manage it. SO why can't I
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