Random thoughts

This vacation is off to an interesting start. I've spent a nice amount of time with the parents, and with my sister too, which is pretty pleasing: it's been a while since she and I have really clicked. We each did some dance learning and teaching today. I finally got Marhaba under my belt: a dance I've been wanting to learn for quite a while- well over a year. Sometimes I just need to get up the urge/motivation.
I've had some itneresting discussions lately- mostly about (you guessed it) love, sex, dating. The usual stuff, in other words. Nathan's been rather interesting on the topic. And well, steve and steve have decided to be interested in each other, after much back-and-forth-ing, to create a verb. For some reason, the entire discussion made me feel rather lonely. Why is it that, even when I've gone and counted it out and proved to myself that most of my friends are quite single, it still feels like tons of them aren't? And why do I, of course, notice only when I'm single? It makes me wonder if I wasn't increibly hard to deal with when Nathan and I were together. I was, after all, hardly subtle about it, as far as I remember. I guess this is how one learns, but it does make me feel rather guilty. I don't know- steve also always confuses me on that topic. Grrr.
Relatedly: irking idea of the night: needing to have sex is like needing ot cry-sometimes you can't resist. That one really bothers me.
Tomorrow I finally start my holiday gift search. ANd I'm still not entirely sure exactly who I'm shopping for, besides the usual obvious individuals. Eep. I seem to be saying that a lot tonight.

Random thoughts

This vacation is off to an interesting start. I've spent a nice amount of time with the parents, and with my sister too, which is pretty pleasing: it's been a while since she and I have really clicked. We each did some dance learning and teaching today. I finally got Marhaba under my belt: a dance I've been wanting to learn for quite a while- well over a year. Sometimes I just need to get up the urge/motivation.
I've had some itneresting discussions lately- mostly about (you guessed it) love, sex, dating. The usual stuff, in other words. Nathan's been rather interesting on the topic. And well, steve and steve have decided to be interested in each other, after much back-and-forth-ing, to create a verb. For some reason, the entire discussion made me feel rather lonely. Why is it that, even when I've gone and counted it out and proved to myself that most of my friends are quite single, it still feels like tons of them aren't? And why do I, of course, notice only when I'm single? It makes me wonder if I wasn't increibly hard to deal with when Nathan and I were together. I was, after all, hardly subtle about it, as far as I remember. I guess this is how one learns, but it does make me feel rather guilty. I don't know- steve also always confuses me on that topic. Grrr.
Relatedly: irking idea of the night: needing to have sex is like needing ot cry-sometimes you can't resist. That one really bothers me.
Tomorrow I finally start my holiday gift search. ANd I'm still not entirely sure exactly who I'm shopping for, besides the usual obvious individuals. Eep. I seem to be saying that a lot tonight.

Maybe I'm coming down with something?

Between how much I'm sleepig (actually, that may just be me trying to catch up on sleep from a pretty darn busy and low-sleep semester) and the fact that I got quite cranky today while mostly unsuccessfully present-shopping, my only thought is that perhaps I'm coming down with something. Other than that, today was pretty uneventful. I really just want to read easy-reading sorts of stuff right now, but I'm not really wanting to read much of what I actually have. Maybe it's time for a trip to the library. One of these days. Quite possibly I'm just hitting that home-for-a-prolonged-period-of-time point where it's sinking in that I'll be here for a while, but when I have yet to actually adjust to being home. That's always the weird part. So life goes on, but it feels pretty weird. I'm settling into taking-care-of-other-people mode to a certain extent, between steve's general overwhelmedness, steve and steve, and steve's continued choice to decide that everything I say is wrong. It's understandable, but I'm still not sure I'm taking the best response possible. So I'm going to take a bit of thinking time and write back tomorrow or the day after. Not my usual style at all (I hate not being prompt), but it seems like a good idea here. RIght now seems to be a general time for relationship excitement: formation, destruction, post-destruction angst... Weird. Or maybe not- post-finals people have time for that sort of thing, I guess. At some point Em is going to go to visit her boyfriend in Philly for a bit, and she leaves to go back to school about a week before I do- I realized I've never been home without her for longer than a few days. I shouldn't have too hard a time adjusting, but it will be different. She had a whole year where she was home and I was at school. Clearly, I was never in that position. Instead, I'd come home and she'd be resentful of attention and access time that she was used to having being given to me. This clearly won't be enough time for that, but it will be odd. Even if over this summer I was mostly on my own in a way: I had my evening family-interaction hours, and other than that, I pretty much kept to myself: I wasn't up until everyone else left, and I was awake at night on the computer long after they went to sleep. It worked. I do wonder what next summer will be like. This one, I'm realizing, was very much shaped around Nathan. It gave me lots of time away from home, something to focus on, attention, etc. I wonder if not having that would/will be pretty intensely lonely. Not that I didn't have a bunch of contact with other people- but well- it was a Lot of emotional boosting. Well, I'll cross that bridge when I get to it. But the idea is kind of scary. I rely a lot of emotional contact, at this point. On the other hand, I spent years spending much of my time alone. On the other hand (I seem to have more hands in this situational model than most aliens I've encountered) I didn't enjoy that time very much at all. Go figure. I really ought to worry less about the future. I give up for now.

Maybe I'm coming down with something?

Between how much I'm sleepig (actually, that may just be me trying to catch up on sleep from a pretty darn busy and low-sleep semester) and the fact that I got quite cranky today while mostly unsuccessfully present-shopping, my only thought is that perhaps I'm coming down with something. Other than that, today was pretty uneventful. I really just want to read easy-reading sorts of stuff right now, but I'm not really wanting to read much of what I actually have. Maybe it's time for a trip to the library. One of these days. Quite possibly I'm just hitting that home-for-a-prolonged-period-of-time point where it's sinking in that I'll be here for a while, but when I have yet to actually adjust to being home. That's always the weird part. So life goes on, but it feels pretty weird. I'm settling into taking-care-of-other-people mode to a certain extent, between steve's general overwhelmedness, steve and steve, and steve's continued choice to decide that everything I say is wrong. It's understandable, but I'm still not sure I'm taking the best response possible. So I'm going to take a bit of thinking time and write back tomorrow or the day after. Not my usual style at all (I hate not being prompt), but it seems like a good idea here. RIght now seems to be a general time for relationship excitement: formation, destruction, post-destruction angst... Weird. Or maybe not- post-finals people have time for that sort of thing, I guess. At some point Em is going to go to visit her boyfriend in Philly for a bit, and she leaves to go back to school about a week before I do- I realized I've never been home without her for longer than a few days. I shouldn't have too hard a time adjusting, but it will be different. She had a whole year where she was home and I was at school. Clearly, I was never in that position. Instead, I'd come home and she'd be resentful of attention and access time that she was used to having being given to me. This clearly won't be enough time for that, but it will be odd. Even if over this summer I was mostly on my own in a way: I had my evening family-interaction hours, and other than that, I pretty much kept to myself: I wasn't up until everyone else left, and I was awake at night on the computer long after they went to sleep. It worked. I do wonder what next summer will be like. This one, I'm realizing, was very much shaped around Nathan. It gave me lots of time away from home, something to focus on, attention, etc. I wonder if not having that would/will be pretty intensely lonely. Not that I didn't have a bunch of contact with other people- but well- it was a Lot of emotional boosting. Well, I'll cross that bridge when I get to it. But the idea is kind of scary. I rely a lot of emotional contact, at this point. On the other hand, I spent years spending much of my time alone. On the other hand (I seem to have more hands in this situational model than most aliens I've encountered) I didn't enjoy that time very much at all. Go figure. I really ought to worry less about the future. I give up for now.