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Well, that was decidedly one of the least Shomer Shabbat Shabboses I've had in a while, for better or worse. Mom arranged for me to have my flu shot today- apparently that was the only option: I don't know if she even asked if I could go tomorrow, but her impression at least was that if I didn't go today, they'd give it to someone else. So, after assorted fighting with Em, she ended up walking with me there, although we didn't talk much- it was pretty early for her, and Mom drove, both because of her bad back and because she then drove Em home so Em could get to the train in time to go visit her boyfriend in Philadelphia for the weekend. But, although I still made Mom come distract me, and I got a bit nervous, I got through getting a shot without major bursts of hysteria or anxiety. This is a step in the right direction for me, regardless of Em's teases that I need to be able to get a shot by myself by the time I turn 20. However- I got there, and had to sign for the shot, apparently. So over all- I minimized stuff I wasn't supposed to do, but it was an unsatisfactory solution. And then- we had a rather last minute Hannukah party this evening, which went really well, but which we didn't do the preparation for ahead of time. It would have been both unfair and likely to provoke a fight if I didn't help prepare before Shabbat was over, so I did. And we ended up having extra time before folks showed up, even Teresa who was 15 minutes early. (And then everyone else was 10 minutes late, and all arrived almost exactly at once. Decidedly within the same 5 minutes. Talk about weird.) Being home does strange things to my observance patterns, of course. It's frustrating and confusing, but there isn't much I can do about that. It occasionally makes me wish I could just drop it all or completely frum out while I'm home- it's being in the middle that's hard. In any case- the Channuka party was a great deal of fun in a quiet but eccentric way. The guest list was amusing, and seemed to be divvied up into people who don't shut up and people who don't talk much. But it turned out well, even if, nder my parents' influence, it went from a low-key latke party to a latke party with a fire in the fireplace, wine, Sabra (the latest joke between Will's family and mine), an ironed tablecloth, etc, etc. But we did make homemade applesauce, which was a rather exciting proposition, and came out quite well. With cranberries too. Will, as is turning out to be usual, stuck around afterwards, helped clean up, and we talked until 1ish. It's been very reassuring to have an old friend of that caliber around. I've missed it- a lot. More this year than last year, oddly enough, and we're in more contact this year. Maybe I've just been aware of things enough this year to notice. I don't know.
Well, that was decidedly one of the least Shomer Shabbat Shabboses I've had in a while, for better or worse. Mom arranged for me to have my flu shot today- apparently that was the only option: I don't know if she even asked if I could go tomorrow, but her impression at least was that if I didn't go today, they'd give it to someone else. So, after assorted fighting with Em, she ended up walking with me there, although we didn't talk much- it was pretty early for her, and Mom drove, both because of her bad back and because she then drove Em home so Em could get to the train in time to go visit her boyfriend in Philadelphia for the weekend. But, although I still made Mom come distract me, and I got a bit nervous, I got through getting a shot without major bursts of hysteria or anxiety. This is a step in the right direction for me, regardless of Em's teases that I need to be able to get a shot by myself by the time I turn 20. However- I got there, and had to sign for the shot, apparently. So over all- I minimized stuff I wasn't supposed to do, but it was an unsatisfactory solution. And then- we had a rather last minute Hannukah party this evening, which went really well, but which we didn't do the preparation for ahead of time. It would have been both unfair and likely to provoke a fight if I didn't help prepare before Shabbat was over, so I did. And we ended up having extra time before folks showed up, even Teresa who was 15 minutes early. (And then everyone else was 10 minutes late, and all arrived almost exactly at once. Decidedly within the same 5 minutes. Talk about weird.) Being home does strange things to my observance patterns, of course. It's frustrating and confusing, but there isn't much I can do about that. It occasionally makes me wish I could just drop it all or completely frum out while I'm home- it's being in the middle that's hard. In any case- the Channuka party was a great deal of fun in a quiet but eccentric way. The guest list was amusing, and seemed to be divvied up into people who don't shut up and people who don't talk much. But it turned out well, even if, nder my parents' influence, it went from a low-key latke party to a latke party with a fire in the fireplace, wine, Sabra (the latest joke between Will's family and mine), an ironed tablecloth, etc, etc. But we did make homemade applesauce, which was a rather exciting proposition, and came out quite well. With cranberries too. Will, as is turning out to be usual, stuck around afterwards, helped clean up, and we talked until 1ish. It's been very reassuring to have an old friend of that caliber around. I've missed it- a lot. More this year than last year, oddly enough, and we're in more contact this year. Maybe I've just been aware of things enough this year to notice. I don't know.
I hate this time of night. I can't manage to get myself to sleep before it often enough lately, and once I've hit it, I can't get myself to sleep until it's at least partway past, because I can't stand going to sleep in a bad mood. It just doesn't work well- I cry instead of sleeping, and that's no use at all. Guess I'll go have a piece of chocolate of something. Maybe that'll help.
I hate this time of night. I can't manage to get myself to sleep before it often enough lately, and once I've hit it, I can't get myself to sleep until it's at least partway past, because I can't stand going to sleep in a bad mood. It just doesn't work well- I cry instead of sleeping, and that's no use at all. Guess I'll go have a piece of chocolate of something. Maybe that'll help.
And for another spelling: "Happy Chanoucca to all of you."
Now on to real life, if one can call it that. Life, in its usual manner, continues. Today though was pretty low key: I hung around, read, ate, etc, until Qian called: she's staying over here, currently in bed/asleep. So I'm once again the only one up. Qian and I went out for "tea" at the local diner with an old friend of sorts of ours whom I hadn't seen since senior year of high school. But she was someone I'd really admired and enjoyed the company of when I was in middle school, and even for a good portion of high school, although we were certainly not close at that point. She seemed awfully remote from who I remember her being, although objectively, I don't think the changes were that great: she's still an amusing, engaging person: tells lots of stories, smiles a lot, takes up a good bit of space with her personality. On the other hand- it felt much more fragile, more see-through, less captivating than it used to. It felt fake, although Qian disputes that. Certainly I couldn't see what I found so worthy of admiration, once upon a time. It was sad, in a way- to see what had been so important a part of my world at one point be so well, almost tawdry. That isn't the right word- but: what I perceived as bright and shiny once just isn't now.
Another realization I've had is that I'm totally outside the usual college thing about drinking. I think I've seen 2 folks I know drink at all, all year, and watched the purchase of one bottle of wine (for kiddush at that, and once bought and brought to dinner, we realized that our hostess was without a cork-opener, or whatever they're called). Whereas my sib, my closer friends from home, and the other folks I've seen at home- all talk about alcohol to some degree. It makes me feel very straight-laced, perhaps too much so. On the other hand- the idea of drinking makes me very nervous. It isn't that I so much want to change that about myself- I Don't. When I'm ready to, I will. It's just a change- the folks I know at school don't talk about drinking much if they do drink, I guess. A silly thing, but somehow it keeps pushing itself to the front of my mind.
Now on to real life, if one can call it that. Life, in its usual manner, continues. Today though was pretty low key: I hung around, read, ate, etc, until Qian called: she's staying over here, currently in bed/asleep. So I'm once again the only one up. Qian and I went out for "tea" at the local diner with an old friend of sorts of ours whom I hadn't seen since senior year of high school. But she was someone I'd really admired and enjoyed the company of when I was in middle school, and even for a good portion of high school, although we were certainly not close at that point. She seemed awfully remote from who I remember her being, although objectively, I don't think the changes were that great: she's still an amusing, engaging person: tells lots of stories, smiles a lot, takes up a good bit of space with her personality. On the other hand- it felt much more fragile, more see-through, less captivating than it used to. It felt fake, although Qian disputes that. Certainly I couldn't see what I found so worthy of admiration, once upon a time. It was sad, in a way- to see what had been so important a part of my world at one point be so well, almost tawdry. That isn't the right word- but: what I perceived as bright and shiny once just isn't now.
Another realization I've had is that I'm totally outside the usual college thing about drinking. I think I've seen 2 folks I know drink at all, all year, and watched the purchase of one bottle of wine (for kiddush at that, and once bought and brought to dinner, we realized that our hostess was without a cork-opener, or whatever they're called). Whereas my sib, my closer friends from home, and the other folks I've seen at home- all talk about alcohol to some degree. It makes me feel very straight-laced, perhaps too much so. On the other hand- the idea of drinking makes me very nervous. It isn't that I so much want to change that about myself- I Don't. When I'm ready to, I will. It's just a change- the folks I know at school don't talk about drinking much if they do drink, I guess. A silly thing, but somehow it keeps pushing itself to the front of my mind.
And for another spelling: "Happy Chanoucca to all of you."
Now on to real life, if one can call it that. Life, in its usual manner, continues. Today though was pretty low key: I hung around, read, ate, etc, until Qian called: she's staying over here, currently in bed/asleep. So I'm once again the only one up. Qian and I went out for "tea" at the local diner with an old friend of sorts of ours whom I hadn't seen since senior year of high school. But she was someone I'd really admired and enjoyed the company of when I was in middle school, and even for a good portion of high school, although we were certainly not close at that point. She seemed awfully remote from who I remember her being, although objectively, I don't think the changes were that great: she's still an amusing, engaging person: tells lots of stories, smiles a lot, takes up a good bit of space with her personality. On the other hand- it felt much more fragile, more see-through, less captivating than it used to. It felt fake, although Qian disputes that. Certainly I couldn't see what I found so worthy of admiration, once upon a time. It was sad, in a way- to see what had been so important a part of my world at one point be so well, almost tawdry. That isn't the right word- but: what I perceived as bright and shiny once just isn't now.
Another realization I've had is that I'm totally outside the usual college thing about drinking. I think I've seen 2 folks I know drink at all, all year, and watched the purchase of one bottle of wine (for kiddush at that, and once bought and brought to dinner, we realized that our hostess was without a cork-opener, or whatever they're called). Whereas my sib, my closer friends from home, and the other folks I've seen at home- all talk about alcohol to some degree. It makes me feel very straight-laced, perhaps too much so. On the other hand- the idea of drinking makes me very nervous. It isn't that I so much want to change that about myself- I Don't. When I'm ready to, I will. It's just a change- the folks I know at school don't talk about drinking much if they do drink, I guess. A silly thing, but somehow it keeps pushing itself to the front of my mind.
Now on to real life, if one can call it that. Life, in its usual manner, continues. Today though was pretty low key: I hung around, read, ate, etc, until Qian called: she's staying over here, currently in bed/asleep. So I'm once again the only one up. Qian and I went out for "tea" at the local diner with an old friend of sorts of ours whom I hadn't seen since senior year of high school. But she was someone I'd really admired and enjoyed the company of when I was in middle school, and even for a good portion of high school, although we were certainly not close at that point. She seemed awfully remote from who I remember her being, although objectively, I don't think the changes were that great: she's still an amusing, engaging person: tells lots of stories, smiles a lot, takes up a good bit of space with her personality. On the other hand- it felt much more fragile, more see-through, less captivating than it used to. It felt fake, although Qian disputes that. Certainly I couldn't see what I found so worthy of admiration, once upon a time. It was sad, in a way- to see what had been so important a part of my world at one point be so well, almost tawdry. That isn't the right word- but: what I perceived as bright and shiny once just isn't now.
Another realization I've had is that I'm totally outside the usual college thing about drinking. I think I've seen 2 folks I know drink at all, all year, and watched the purchase of one bottle of wine (for kiddush at that, and once bought and brought to dinner, we realized that our hostess was without a cork-opener, or whatever they're called). Whereas my sib, my closer friends from home, and the other folks I've seen at home- all talk about alcohol to some degree. It makes me feel very straight-laced, perhaps too much so. On the other hand- the idea of drinking makes me very nervous. It isn't that I so much want to change that about myself- I Don't. When I'm ready to, I will. It's just a change- the folks I know at school don't talk about drinking much if they do drink, I guess. A silly thing, but somehow it keeps pushing itself to the front of my mind.
.