"If birds fly over the rainbow..."

I feel like such a jerk sometimes. Things are shaping up in all sorts of wonderful ways for bunches of my friends, and although I'm really happy for them, it then leaves me feeling lousy and lonely. This is ridiculous, and horrible.

And I'm too funky to even write anything good and artistically worthwhile about it. If I have to be mopey, why can't something productive and creative come out of it?

Someday I'll manage to grow up. But this seems to be my major area of weakness. And certain people are going to see this and get over-cuddly and it will, I predict, be all the wrong people. Because my life just seems to work like that. I don't want pity, and I don't want to be an excuse for people to feel like they're being good and sweet and wonderful for taking care of me.

Sorry folks- I needed to vent

"If birds fly over the rainbow..."

I feel like such a jerk sometimes. Things are shaping up in all sorts of wonderful ways for bunches of my friends, and although I'm really happy for them, it then leaves me feeling lousy and lonely. This is ridiculous, and horrible.

And I'm too funky to even write anything good and artistically worthwhile about it. If I have to be mopey, why can't something productive and creative come out of it?

Someday I'll manage to grow up. But this seems to be my major area of weakness. And certain people are going to see this and get over-cuddly and it will, I predict, be all the wrong people. Because my life just seems to work like that. I don't want pity, and I don't want to be an excuse for people to feel like they're being good and sweet and wonderful for taking care of me.

Sorry folks- I needed to vent

Way too many thoughts to get out justly

My brain is sort of overflowing with assorted ideas. So I'm just going ot write them down as I think of them for a while, and come back and deal with them in detail later, as I calm down. TOo much religious stimulation in a short time tonight: Professor Green's talk about spirituality and seeking, and then the end of the BUCO meeting about the future of Egal and Trad.

THe list: community and spirituality: how much do I just assume, how much do I get from community rather than actual interaction with G-d, and do I need to change that? Some interesting things about predestination, free will, asking G-d for things during prayer, and seeing the future. This is a compound of two real issues: the first being whether if I believe in free will, how I can feel comfortable (and I do) asking G-d to help me with things when I pray. The second is whether having ideas predicting the future, or impulses of such contradicts free well. Another thing I realized is that I often give in far too easily. And another issue related to that whole opening up shtick: what about opening up to ideas? Am I clinging to the way I do thinks, or the way things are traditionally done, just because those feel safe? And of course, continued thoughts on the kipot issue.

Way too many thoughts to get out justly

My brain is sort of overflowing with assorted ideas. So I'm just going ot write them down as I think of them for a while, and come back and deal with them in detail later, as I calm down. TOo much religious stimulation in a short time tonight: Professor Green's talk about spirituality and seeking, and then the end of the BUCO meeting about the future of Egal and Trad.

THe list: community and spirituality: how much do I just assume, how much do I get from community rather than actual interaction with G-d, and do I need to change that? Some interesting things about predestination, free will, asking G-d for things during prayer, and seeing the future. This is a compound of two real issues: the first being whether if I believe in free will, how I can feel comfortable (and I do) asking G-d to help me with things when I pray. The second is whether having ideas predicting the future, or impulses of such contradicts free well. Another thing I realized is that I often give in far too easily. And another issue related to that whole opening up shtick: what about opening up to ideas? Am I clinging to the way I do thinks, or the way things are traditionally done, just because those feel safe? And of course, continued thoughts on the kipot issue.