The Effect of a Cold and Lack of Voice on Shabbos

Shabbos was quiet. Not talking takes a surprising amount of effort for me, and sometimes I was more successful than others. But my voice seems to be slowly returning, so hopefully it will be less of an issue tomorrow.

What surprised me was that I was wanting that quiet- in many ways it was simply more desirable to be by myself and be quiet and read than to be with people and listen, or even try to converse while speaking as little as possible. I really enjoyed some of my time alone, which yes, sometimes happens anyways, but this was a different sort of appreciation. It felt very right for where I was.

Services were pretty small, and so I gave in against my better judgement of myself, and accepted petikha- openning the ark at the beginning and end of the torah service. Unlike much of the world which views petikha as an honor useful for giving to people who look like they would feel uncomfortable getting other, more complex or halakhically involved honors, petikha makes me really nervous. It involves standing in front of the rest of the congregation and not Doing anything, just sort of standing up there and praying, but it's a weird part of the service for really having your own kavannah, so I tend to be really aware than they can all see me without even looking sideways or being distracted or whatever. And then it's a very easy action that is surprisingly easy to get wrong- perhaps this is based on years of interaction with the arks at Brandeis, which have been broken in assorted ways, locked, etc over the years I was there. And every congregation has slightly different perceptions of when the ark should be openned and closed- and the instructions on the card I was given (which were very detailed, which JTS has Way above anywhere else I've been, which is one reason I actually said yes) involved openning the ark before walking around with it at the end of the service- something which shirei_shibolim had praised not happening this year as a positive change in custom, which makes sense, since many people try not to have their back to a torah scroll, which this makes almost inevitable due to the way the procession works on Shabbos, and I felt really odd about then going and doing exactly what my friend was praising Not happening. And they also want the person who opens the ark to walk around the sanctuary with the person holding the torah, which makes me personally really uncomfortable- because that's always been something that only rabbis, cantors, board members and bar.bat mitzvah kids. And everyone has all their attention on the Torah, and thus one ends up in the wake of that. It always makes me think of the ba'al kriah at the shul I attend at home, who after touching his tzitzit to the torah and kissing them, sometimes pretends to do the same to the rabbi or other person walking behind the torah... The whole thing just makes me very uncomfortable in a way that nothing else seems to.

So I didn't walk after the torah at the beginning of torah service, and just bugged out and handed the card back to the gabbay before returning the torah to the ark. I was just one of those people that often annoy me as a gabbay, who take honors then return them. I guess this was a day for being a not-great congregant. And it does really stand behind one of my real turn-offs from the idea of being a rabbi- it's that same having people watch you when you're not really doing anything idea that bugs me.

The Effect of a Cold and Lack of Voice on Shabbos

Shabbos was quiet. Not talking takes a surprising amount of effort for me, and sometimes I was more successful than others. But my voice seems to be slowly returning, so hopefully it will be less of an issue tomorrow.

What surprised me was that I was wanting that quiet- in many ways it was simply more desirable to be by myself and be quiet and read than to be with people and listen, or even try to converse while speaking as little as possible. I really enjoyed some of my time alone, which yes, sometimes happens anyways, but this was a different sort of appreciation. It felt very right for where I was.

Services were pretty small, and so I gave in against my better judgement of myself, and accepted petikha- openning the ark at the beginning and end of the torah service. Unlike much of the world which views petikha as an honor useful for giving to people who look like they would feel uncomfortable getting other, more complex or halakhically involved honors, petikha makes me really nervous. It involves standing in front of the rest of the congregation and not Doing anything, just sort of standing up there and praying, but it's a weird part of the service for really having your own kavannah, so I tend to be really aware than they can all see me without even looking sideways or being distracted or whatever. And then it's a very easy action that is surprisingly easy to get wrong- perhaps this is based on years of interaction with the arks at Brandeis, which have been broken in assorted ways, locked, etc over the years I was there. And every congregation has slightly different perceptions of when the ark should be openned and closed- and the instructions on the card I was given (which were very detailed, which JTS has Way above anywhere else I've been, which is one reason I actually said yes) involved openning the ark before walking around with it at the end of the service- something which shirei_shibolim had praised not happening this year as a positive change in custom, which makes sense, since many people try not to have their back to a torah scroll, which this makes almost inevitable due to the way the procession works on Shabbos, and I felt really odd about then going and doing exactly what my friend was praising Not happening. And they also want the person who opens the ark to walk around the sanctuary with the person holding the torah, which makes me personally really uncomfortable- because that's always been something that only rabbis, cantors, board members and bar.bat mitzvah kids. And everyone has all their attention on the Torah, and thus one ends up in the wake of that. It always makes me think of the ba'al kriah at the shul I attend at home, who after touching his tzitzit to the torah and kissing them, sometimes pretends to do the same to the rabbi or other person walking behind the torah... The whole thing just makes me very uncomfortable in a way that nothing else seems to.

So I didn't walk after the torah at the beginning of torah service, and just bugged out and handed the card back to the gabbay before returning the torah to the ark. I was just one of those people that often annoy me as a gabbay, who take honors then return them. I guess this was a day for being a not-great congregant. And it does really stand behind one of my real turn-offs from the idea of being a rabbi- it's that same having people watch you when you're not really doing anything idea that bugs me.