A Busy Day, A Visit and Some Thoughts About What Goes On My Head

[debka_notion]

Today was busy in the extreme- and isn't over yet. Besides the usual array of classes I went to an orientation for a volunteer program I'm thinking about doing during lunch, and had an appointment with a therapist afterwards. And in my last class we had a midterm. So- I've been going pretty nonstop. And I believe I'll be going to a presentation on homosexuality and the implications of same-sex marriages in half an hour. And then ergood is coming to stay over before his interview tomorrow. So- a busy day all around.

Yesterday I went to visit sharonaf and her husband, and discovered that Brooklyn is in fact rather a shlep from here. But it was very good to see her, and to get to know him a bit more. It was a definite reminder that as much as I am comfortable in my rooms here, and no matter how lovely the folks around me are, there is a difference between someplace you live for a year and a real home. I can see the difference between my room and those of some of the folks who've been in this building in the same rooms for 3 or 4 years already. And it's very nice to be in a real home. It was also nice to be in a house rather than a giant building- I grew up in the suburbs, and there's a part of me that is just more comfortable in places that look like that, which I forget about when I'm somewhere else for a long time. But I find that the moment I got off the main street and into her area, which is quieter and residential, I just had this little internal relaxation. It always surprises me. And I realized we hadn't visited in a very long time, so I was very glad to visit and catch up. And her husband and I played a little bit of compare-those-rabbinical-schools, which was pretty interesting.

I've been having some interesting thoughts about head covering lately. Before I got to the seminary, I tended towards more scarves than kippot, because the questions that they got tended to be easier to answer, and they tended to be less noticed by folks who were secular or not Jewish, whereas kippot seem to be a matter for questions from every side. On the other hand, people who share more of my religious preferences tend to see them as marriage-indicators rather than head coverings for the purpose of making blessings, prayer, etc. So when I was seeing someone seriously, then it didn't matter so much- if someone asked if I was married, I could say no, I'm not, and it wasn't a big deal. But if I want people to know that I'm single- do I fold the scarf more, or does that not even work? Maybe not, maybe yes- I don't know. At the same time, I don't want people to think that I'm covering my head, or wearing a kippah because I'm in rabbinical school, and that it should be seen as something that observant men and female rabbis wear- I don't think that's the idea at all. Really, I think that that idea is almost more harmful than helpful; it presents rabbis as a separate category, rather than just as observant Jews. (It makes me wonder if I wouldn't be a better role model, if that's something that I want to be, as a "lay person".) And it's also worth the demonstration that a head covering can be anything that works: there's no particular intrinsic special power in a kippah. No matter what, I find that I send a message that isn't quite what I want to send. But going without anything doesn't send a message that I want to send either, and besides that, it wouldn't fulfill what I see as a very strong preference of the tradition. So that isn't an option. Maybe I should just just print a scarf and a kippah each with some version of this paragraph printed on them and wear those... In any case, sometimes I think it would be much more straight-forward to be Muslim....

Comments

[redlily.livejournal.com]

. . . a head covering can be anything that works: there's no particular intrinsic special power in a kippah.

You've overlooked the obvious solution: baseball cap. Just beware wearing a Yankees yarmulke in Brooklyn. Or a Mets one in Manhattan. Or a Red Sox one anywhere in the metro area. You're probably best off supporting a team no one cares about, like the Kansas City Royals or the Arizona Diamondbacks.

[debka-notion.livejournal.com]

It would work wonderfully in casual situations, except that I hate baseball caps- a sad personal preference. I used to have one with a trombone on it that was as close as I got to liking them, but the brim only in one place thing didn't work for me so well. Although hats would send yet another message...

[shirei-shibolim.livejournal.com]

Try as I might, I can't imagine you in a baseball cap.

[margavriel.livejournal.com]

That's strange, because I can.

[doctor-nine.livejournal.com]

To send any message at all is always to risk misunderstanding and certainly questions, and I can understand your discomfort with questions from all sides. But on the other hand, every question is an opportunity to make (in briefer form) some of the points you've made here. I know making a point out of some sense of personal responsibility for the situation of all observant Jewish women isn't why you're doing this, but heck, you might even inspire someone to feel okay about using your interpretation or a similar one.

[debka-notion.livejournal.com]

You have a very good point. The problem, when there is one, is when people make the assumptions that would lead to questions, and then don't ask the questions, and presume that I'm married, or presume that I'm wearing the kippah because I'm a rabbinical student. That's what I want to avoid.

Not wanting to have to constantly answer questions is just that I myself don't always have the time or energy for that, when I want to just get my grocery shopping done, or when I want to dance and be social and be me-the-basic-self rather than being me-the-rabbinical-student.

[tirerim.livejournal.com]

You could try wearing hats...

[debka-notion.livejournal.com]

If only it were so simple. Unfortunately for me, hats work about the same way scarves do in the religious world, and one gets asked to take them off in the secular world. And many of them are even more associated with marriage than scarves are, to some folks.

[shirei-shibolim.livejournal.com]

You need a scarf with the words "It's not what you think!" printed clearly all over it.

[debka-notion.livejournal.com]

It's a thought, at least for some situations. So now I need to either learn to embroider, or buy some good fabric paint, and get a scarf that makes a good surface for writing... Sounds like a nice project. But also very informal.

Formal events is where this whole thing gets Really complicated, sadly...

[shirei-shibolim.livejournal.com]

Ah, formality at issue! Perhaps a paper bag with eyeholes and a drawn-on smiley face.

[debka-notion.livejournal.com]

That would certainly cover my head...

On the other hand, it wouldn't be so formal either. Darn it.

[smartphil8.livejournal.com]

you could always try muslim scarves.

[shirei-shibolim.livejournal.com]

Which would lead to no misconceptions whatsoever. :)

[debka-notion.livejournal.com]

I had a conversation with sharonaf about that at one point- but well, that would create even more confusion and assumptions than a scarf... It's unfortunate- many of them are awfully pretty, and can be tied in all sorts of interesting ways.

[margavriel.livejournal.com]

How 'bout a shtreimel? Or a fedora? Or a turban?

[margavriel.livejournal.com]

And it's also worth the demonstration that a head covering can be anything that works: there's no particular intrinsic special power in a kippah.

Anything that "works" as what?

The obligation (?) of married (?) women to cover their hair is lern'd out (oysgelernt) of a few bits and pieces scattered around in various sugyin in the Gemoro, combined with longstanding minhag yisro'eil and political hype.

The (non-existent?) obligation (????????!) of men to cover their heads is based purely on communal standards, combined with an isolated weird aggadto and more political hype.

I cover my head in the way I do (black fedora) in order to demonstrate how strongly I belong to a community to which I do not belong.

[margavriel.livejournal.com]

IDENTITY!

(Expect a post on this topic on one of my two blogs, albeit thoroughly unconnected to headcovering.)

[debka-notion.livejournal.com]

Anything that stays on the head, I imagine. I am quite aware of how random and poorly supported both practices are. However, if one feels a religious imperative to cover one's head- and it's such a strong minhag (besides all that Shulhan Arukh business that no one quite listens to, confusingly enough) that it does seem to be important, then why should it matter what one uses for the purpose? Especially if there is no way that any particular head covering would identify one's communal/religious leanings accurately...

[tovah623.livejournal.com]

[debka-notion.livejournal.com]

I've had most of the questions be very polite and very interested, or at most confused (well, except for some teasing, but that only from friends- but considering one of those same friends at one point this summer asked me if zodiacmg beat me, well- you can't take things so seriously from him)- maybe I've just been lucky. But when people assume that it's about being a rabbi, rather than being religious- grr.

I'm still not sure how much I cover my head for anyone besides me, as far as an initial reason. But since I am, I still want it to send the right message. But when people insist on taking a symbol of Judaism and reading it as only a symbol of a certain brand of feminism- well, it's hard to deal with.

Good luck with the lab work.