Finding Myself More Troubled Than I'd Expected

[debka_notion]

CJLS has made its decisions, and I'm finding myself more troubled than I had expected. I've read a draft of Rabbi Dorff's tshuvah, and it came across as well reasoned and pretty darn halakhically valid, as far as I, very much a student and not a rabbi, could tell. And it jives with what my heart and my conscience tell me is right- that homosexuality is not a disease, or an affliction or a sin. I simply cannot see it that way. And it passed, and the teshuvot that I had heard about that did not sound as halakhically solid did not pass, regardless of whatever procedural issues can be raised about that fact.

On the other hand, I respect Rabbi Roth a great deal, and in many ways, his positions are often, although not always, my benchmark: if he permits something, I find it hard to reject except l'chumra. The man has, from what I've seen, a huge sense of responsibility to halakha and is incredibly conscientious in his process and decisions. If he feels that something is not halakhic, and if he feels compelled to resign from the law committee because he feels that it is making the movement not a halakhic movement- I can't help but do some questioning of my own- and that raises the idea that my halakha and my morals might not mesh, and that troubles me immensely.

On a completely selfish note, I wonder if now, considering how unusual it still is for women around here to wear kippot all the time, I will need to not only keep going around having to correct people's assumptions about the status of my love life, I'll also have to start correcting people's assumptions about my sexuality. It probably won't be a problem- but somehow I have this fear that it will.

On a scholarly note- I'm going to be incredibly interested in watching the ritual development and further halakhic process that comes out of this.

Comments

[spin0za1.livejournal.com]

Oddly, I have found the past couple of days to be very calming for me. Probably because spending time at JTS again, and not in the context of the isolation of one teacher's office, has reminded me in a positive way that there are, in fact, other Jews like me, even in my same age group, who care about these things, and that the things that I worry about are things that others worry about too, and are working on, and ultimately we're all just hoping to learn... that assurance has in itself helped me to feel that, whatever happens, I will not be left alone... which really is, I think, my primary underlying fear in all of this. For someone who spends all of their time at JTS, who is acclimated to the environment, the turmoil is going to be all that is noticeable.

I do find Rabbi Roth's intention to resign deeply troubling... but I haven't really fully processed it yet.

And by the way, it was lovely to finally meet you.

[debka-notion.livejournal.com]

I guess I can see that- being here constantly is a different experience from being outside, seeing it as a movement rather than as the main focus of one's life at the moment. I think it has emphasized my fear that the movement will go in a direction that I will not be able to see as halakhic, and eventually I Will be left off alone, in some sense. Thanks for pointing that out.

It isn't just an intention- he's actually resigned the law committee already.

It was lovely to meet you too- I'm sorry I didn't have more of a chance to get to really get to know you. Perhaps some time in the future.

[ryuutchi.livejournal.com]

Can I ask a question? Why are you afraid that people will start questioning your sexuality? Does it make a difference?

[shirei-shibolim.livejournal.com]

If she's interested in dating men then it could be awfully frustrating to have them assume she's gay.

[spin0za1.livejournal.com]

What I don't understand is why men would assume she's gay...

[shirei-shibolim.livejournal.com]

It's not rational, but a woman wearing a kippa when she's not davening tends to illicit that reaction. My wife used to wear kippot everywhere (she now alternates between kippot and hats), and always complained that everyone assumed she was either gay or a rabbinical student.

[ryuutchi.livejournal.com]

Well, that second assumption...

[shirei-shibolim.livejournal.com]

Yes, I know. Much more slanderous. :)

[spin0za1.livejournal.com]

People often assume that I'm a rabbinical student, but interestingly no one has of late assumed that I was gay without me giving them a reason to.

[shirei-shibolim.livejournal.com]

It may also have to do with location, personal "aura," and the shifting sexual politics of the past several years. All I know is that Terri used to complain about it constantly, and that a friend of ours who is in fact gay stopped wearing a yarmulke regularly because she was worried it would be perceived as a political expression rather than a religious one.

[margavriel.livejournal.com]

Isn't the wearing of yarmulkes in general a political, rather than religious, statement?

[shirei-shibolim.livejournal.com]

For some. I wouldn't generalize.

[tovah623.livejournal.com]

[thevortex.livejournal.com]

In addition to shirei_shibolim and tovah623's comments, I have found that the political assumption occurs more frequently with regard to women wearing kipot. Ironically, I also find that the only place where it really is political among women is in shul; every single woman I know who wears a kipa all the time, does so for religious reasons (to say nothing of those who wear one only while davening, but at least some of those are just political).

The Vortex

[tovah623.livejournal.com]

In Israel, at least, on a man the presence and type or absence of kippah is an major statement of political affiliation - or at least is guaranteed to be perceived as such. Kippah serugah vs. velvet vs. color vs. black vs. none etc. I know someone who wears a kippah but is fairly left in Israeli politics, but often is challenged or yelled at by those he most agrees w/ just b/c of his kippah.

That's what I was referring to above.

Of course the reason I don't wear a kippah is exactly because of the political statements people would read into it.

[thevortex.livejournal.com]

Of course the reason I don't wear a kippah is exactly because of the political statements people would read into it.

But would they read in such statements at JHU?

Alternately, why not wear something on your head for the same reason men do (in the US, anyway)? (Granted, I heard that you will be in a position to cover your head anyway in the not-too-distant future [mazal tov!!], but in the interim...)

Huzzah!

The Vortex

P.S. So if I wear my black suede kipa in Israel (which I wear because it matches my clothes), would it also present me as the political Conservative that I am? =P

[tovah623.livejournal.com]

[debka-notion.livejournal.com]

It makes for awkward conversations, and ones that I end up having to have over and over again with people I don't really know, and that gets very frustrating, annoying and sometimes uncomfortable. And I just dislike having people thinking things about me that aren't correct- if I wanted people to be confused as to my status, I'd have kept on wearing scarves instead of kippot, you know?

[spin0za1.livejournal.com]

understood... but I've honestly never seen the wearing of kippot misconstrued as a declaration of sexual identity. Is this a recent phenomenon?

I do also hate having to constantly explain myself to people, and often to strangers even, and to correct notions that are mistakenly held about me. But, I have come to realize that this is inevitable... there is nothing that I can do to "normalize" my appearance or behavior such that people will not pigeonhole me on sight and get it largely wrong. It sort of comes with the territory, I find especially as an (increasingly) observant liberal-Jewish woman.

[debka-notion.livejournal.com]

I've had all sorts of questions asked, including the occasional question about my sexual identity before, although I haven't gotten that one in a while. But in general I've gotten so many misconceptions of my identity no matter what I wear on my head, that it gets very irksome: with a kippah people think I must be Reform (except some rather poorly educated folks who think I must be Orthodox), that I Must be a rabbi or rabbinical student (including long before I was even considering this path), that I'm a lesbian because I'm wearing men's clothing...; and with a scarf, that I must be married, that I can't be a feminist, that I'm Orthodox... Maybe it is inevitable- but it is still frustrating, and I would like to avoid it as much as possible.

[ryuutchi.livejournal.com]

But if it's inevitable no matter what you wear, you'll probably have to just try and find the head-covering that gets you attention that bothers you the least. It might be frustrating, but... there's not much you can do to stop people from pigeonholing you.

[tovaks.livejournal.com]

Are there any "invisible" or inconspicuous head coverings out there? Maybe like hairpiece type things that will cover your head but won't attract attention, or is that totally against the point of your head covering in the first place?