Finding Myself More Troubled Than I'd Expected

[debka_notion]

CJLS has made its decisions, and I'm finding myself more troubled than I had expected. I've read a draft of Rabbi Dorff's tshuvah, and it came across as well reasoned and pretty darn halakhically valid, as far as I, very much a student and not a rabbi, could tell. And it jives with what my heart and my conscience tell me is right- that homosexuality is not a disease, or an affliction or a sin. I simply cannot see it that way. And it passed, and the teshuvot that I had heard about that did not sound as halakhically solid did not pass, regardless of whatever procedural issues can be raised about that fact.

On the other hand, I respect Rabbi Roth a great deal, and in many ways, his positions are often, although not always, my benchmark: if he permits something, I find it hard to reject except l'chumra. The man has, from what I've seen, a huge sense of responsibility to halakha and is incredibly conscientious in his process and decisions. If he feels that something is not halakhic, and if he feels compelled to resign from the law committee because he feels that it is making the movement not a halakhic movement- I can't help but do some questioning of my own- and that raises the idea that my halakha and my morals might not mesh, and that troubles me immensely.

On a completely selfish note, I wonder if now, considering how unusual it still is for women around here to wear kippot all the time, I will need to not only keep going around having to correct people's assumptions about the status of my love life, I'll also have to start correcting people's assumptions about my sexuality. It probably won't be a problem- but somehow I have this fear that it will.

On a scholarly note- I'm going to be incredibly interested in watching the ritual development and further halakhic process that comes out of this.

Comments

[spin0za1.livejournal.com]

Oddly, I have found the past couple of days to be very calming for me. Probably because spending time at JTS again, and not in the context of the isolation of one teacher's office, has reminded me in a positive way that there are, in fact, other Jews like me, even in my same age group, who care about these things, and that the things that I worry about are things that others worry about too, and are working on, and ultimately we're all just hoping to learn... that assurance has in itself helped me to feel that, whatever happens, I will not be left alone... which really is, I think, my primary underlying fear in all of this. For someone who spends all of their time at JTS, who is acclimated to the environment, the turmoil is going to be all that is noticeable.

I do find Rabbi Roth's intention to resign deeply troubling... but I haven't really fully processed it yet.

And by the way, it was lovely to finally meet you.

[debka-notion.livejournal.com]

I guess I can see that- being here constantly is a different experience from being outside, seeing it as a movement rather than as the main focus of one's life at the moment. I think it has emphasized my fear that the movement will go in a direction that I will not be able to see as halakhic, and eventually I Will be left off alone, in some sense. Thanks for pointing that out.

It isn't just an intention- he's actually resigned the law committee already.

It was lovely to meet you too- I'm sorry I didn't have more of a chance to get to really get to know you. Perhaps some time in the future.