A Day For Me, and Some Other Minor Kvetching

[debka_notion]

I took a serious day for myself today. I did very little during most of the day- I spent a chunk of time napping without having to worry too much about where I needed to be right afterwards, and just hanging around. I should have done homework, but I just seriously needed some time just to be. It worked out well- I went to minyan, had a surprise breakfast visit, spent the day relaxing, and then went to a talk about Judaism in the Czech Republic and then to dancing this evening, where I think I spent nearly as much time talking with Steve as dancing.

I'm finding it both interesting and rather frustrating that I can't go to dancing and just dance and hang out anymore. Someone always has to pull the "oh, she's a rabbinical student" card, and I get questions. And I'm happy to have those conversations, but I wish I could have them without the professional hat on. I know, this is going to be my life. And some of it is that this is still a new dance community for me, and will be for a while. Once people get to know me, a bunch of the questions get answered, and don't have to be asked again. Also, then I'm a person, and not just a role, so they can just chat comfortably, hopefully. We'll see how this theory works out. But what used to be a social outlet is now only partially that. But when I have to have this very artificial conversation about how person x whom I've never met was such a great hebrew school principal, just because she was also a rabbinical student and wore a kippah, well- it's frustrating. So was the conversation last night from someone who saw me the one time I was at KOE and wanted to know why I hadn't gone back since, after he had already spoken disparagingly of the same d'var torah that folks had praised at lunch on Shabbos, and then needed me to explain that halakha isn't a monolithic thing- that there is often more than one acceptable halakhic opinion on any issue depending on origin, time period, circumstances, approach, etc, and all that visible within Orthodoxy alone... I know, that's exactly the sort of education I want to put out there. But to be almost chastized for not showing up somewhere to daven by someone who has no idea why I would or wouldn't chose to go there regularly felt unpleasant.

Comments

[taylweaver.livejournal.com]

You know, KOE is a friendly place. You should come back some time... just kidding! (Well, it is friendly - not kidding about that part. But you know what I mean) I hope that if I ever asked you that question (the why didn't you come back one) that I would accept whatever answer you gave as a rather sensible one and move on.

It does kind of stink that you can't just go to dance and have fun. Maybe it is time to say, "look, can we have this conversation another time? I am here to relax."

[debka-notion.livejournal.com]

I'd be happy to come back sometime if I had incentive- actually, I'd been thinking of going this coming week, what with the mention that the folks sponsoring kiddush are people I know from dancing- but I'll have a friend visiting for Shabbos who makes a point of not davening in non-egal minyanim, so- not so much a possibility. And after that, well, the nice gabbayim at JTS have realized I'm a nice captive torah reader for a few weeks... So- Someday. (It's just that I have this Thing about being useful.)

The thing is, I love those conversations, but I like to be able to have them without feeling like I Have To. Maybe it's a self-perception thing about "now I'm being asked because I'm a rab student and not because I'm an involved Jew, so I have to feel like I'm wearing the hat and doing education" rather than just talking about something that interests me. Maybe if I frame it differently for myself... Thanks for leading me down that path. And thanks for the suggestion.

[wildblueyonder2.livejournal.com]

There's another way around those conversations. When somebody pulls the "rab student" card, mention a (true) esoteric specialty. (I think you said that you were interested in chaplaincy, which isn't so esoteric, but should pull you out of the rabbi as teacher or rabbi as pulpit/community leader roles.) It works every time that somebody tries to get me to discuss family/real estate law and/or why their e-mail isn't working. I just say that my specialty is engineering law and/or large-scale computer systems and the person usually backs off quickly. I realize that a chaplain isn't as far removed from the life of an average person as somebody with my own backgrounds, and thus makes for a more "tell me why..." type of conversation with strangers, but it might give you enough space to get to know the person before those questions come up again.

(I should say that this works *most* of the time for me. I once had an old acquaintance who refused to take 'no' for an answer by demanding that I solve his employment law problem. I have very little interest in employment law.)

[debka-notion.livejournal.com]

The problem is that my areas of proto-specialty are both hard to explain and probably sound as interesting as I find them rather than as interesting as the rest of the world seems to find them: contemporary halakha and the impact of gender thereon. And well, a lot of the questions people ask me Are related to those things anyways, in a sort of "these are the obvious questions" sort of way- do women really wear kippot? Does that mean you're Reform/Orthodox? (Yes, I've gotten Both of versions of that question) The Conservative Movement ordains women? How can it justify that? You know- the big questions that have either very superficial or very long and complex answers...

[wildblueyonder2.livejournal.com]

I'm a little unclear about what you mean by "both hard to explain and probably sounds as interesting as I find them rather than as interesting as the rest of the world seems to find them." Do you mean that most people you meet find them fascinating generally? Or that they are generally bored to tears? If the latter, it's easier to dispose of the conversation. If the former, perhaps you need to come up with some multi-syllable latin translation of it when you want to avoid the conversation.

(Full disclosure: I actually find what you're talking about fascinating on one level since at one point in my life I was considering grad school in those general areas. Therefore, if I seem overly interested, it's just because you took a path which I long ago gave up. I must say, however, that it is so much easier to avoid a conversation about my work by explaining it as "legal analysis of the obviousness and anticipation of a particular molecular structure" and watching somebody's eyes roll into the back of their head than what you're describing. If I'm actually in the mood to talk about my academic/professional interests, I can pick a more interesting topic like "national security and privacy.")

[debka-notion.livejournal.com]

I mean that my fields of interest involve a bunch of those hot topic type issues that people always want to talk about- gender and halakha is one of those things where Everyone even marginally involved in the halakhic system seems to have something to say about. The problem is that a lot of those people who have something to say don't actually understand anything about what they're saying, and then I can't just sit and listen to them when what they're saying is simplistic and often sort of insulting to Judaism. And I'm happy that people are interested. I just get frustrated when I go somewhere to relax, and when I get involved in a conversation about my field, I have to suddenly try and catch someone up on all the background information and deal with a whole series of assumptions that aren't functional or correct. I don't mind doing that as a teacher, or just as a student of these things when I'm at school, or even at related events or whatnot. But at dancing, if I'm going to have those conversations, I'd like to have them at least on a level where I can express my opinions without having to explain things that feel obvious to me at this point, and correct weird assumptions.

[hatam-soferet.livejournal.com]

You need a business card, which you hand to people politely and say you're off-duty but if they want to call you during office hours they can. Honestly. Like if you were a lawyer or a doctor. I usually get asked sofer questions on shabbat, and if they're annoying me I say I prefer not to talk business on Shabbat and change the subject - same principle.

[debka-notion.livejournal.com]

Sounds like a good strategy. Hmm- how to go about assembling a business card. This is something new to me...

[wildblueyonder2.livejournal.com]

Hmmmm ... hope I wasn't in the "annoying me" category when I asked you a few weeks ago about this (assuming that (1) you're the person I think you are in real life and (2) I think I prefaced my comment with "if you're willing to answer this for probably the umpteenth time..."). As explained above, I actually have some academic interest in halakha and modernity.

[debka-notion.livejournal.com]

You were fine I think- at least, I'm not remembering it too specifically, so it can't have been really annoying, don't worry. It's usually just the folks at dancing who have no basis where I can start explaining things but still think that they know all about Judaism and such...

I'm pretty sure I'm who you think I am. You forwarded me an email about our mutual friends who are moving across the country. This confirms things?

[(Anonymous)]

Actually, that comment was for hatam soferet, not you . . . . I know who you are :-) :-) :-)

[wildblueyonder2.livejournal.com]

ugh. silly web browser lost the cookie and decided to mark me "anonymous" for some reason...

[hatam-soferet.livejournal.com]

No - you see, if you'd been annoying me, I would've given you a business card and changed the subject :) 'S how you can tell. I like talking to interesting people about interesting stuff. Don't like talking prices and logistics, is all.