Still baffled

[debka_notion]

So even after fighting and making up, I'm still kind of baffled. I don't have the experience to know where you go after a fight: what to expect, how to deal, etc. Especially since this week he has midterms galore. So yes, I'm calling for a bit tonight. But it's the internals that I are still not clear. I'm not sure how I feel. I mean, I fought back, and eventually made my point, but I got to a point there where it was "Either forgive me and let's get on with it, or dump me already". So... I can still say "I love you" to him without it sounding fake to me, which is a good sign, I think. On the other hand: the way he fights still freaks me out a bit. It all became centered around him: he tried to insist all sorts of double standards were required: sort of guilting me into proving that I cared, as if that I was actually fighting wasn't proof enough, from me. The other good one was "I don't know if I love you anymore"- love if it's real can survive a misunderstanding. I don't know if he doesn't realize this, if he isn't so much in love as he thinks he is, or if he was doing that as a manipulative fighting thing. It isn't something I can conceive of saying in that position. I don't know. On the other hand, Mom is proud of me for fighting and standing up for myself. But that's kind of irrelevant, besides that it's a little bit of praise for me in one of my weak spots. I don't know: I think things are going to go well again, but I'm not totally sure: they still seem kind of fragmented. But I know they need time to put themselves back together. I felt kind of funny last night just hanging out with his family, because they don't know at all: he didn't tell them because he didn't want his Mom upset with me for hurting him. I don't know- I'm trying to think if I'd tell my parents if they hadn't gotten here in the middle. I don't know- probably, actually. Knowing me. Not a bad thing: seeing them this weekend did really show me how lucky I am in the parental department. But anyways- that's still all confusing me.

Other than that- dancing last night was ok, but not great. Felicia and I did some more HaMakor planning: we're still trying to get the old stuff from Pam, looking for another person or two if we can, and trying to think of themes and props and the like. But that at least is always sort of fun to plan and kind of distracting. Other than that- I had a bit of a minor vision headache, so I swapped into computer glasses when I got home, which really helps for some reason. Walking back, MG and I decided to do a chevruta. I've been looking for someone to learn with for a while, so that'll be nice. It'll be the egal dancing chevruta... (Makes me think of people standing around in the Beit Midrash, dancing out halakhic ideas... Argh. Better watch out.) We also ran into TS and DB, who were being kind of huggy. Or rather, TS was. DB I couldn't read so much, but he looked a hair uncomfortable. Worrisome. Worrisome. We'll see what happens though. Later last night, MJ and I talked about them, and her own guy worries, and Nathan and I a bit. It was a good coversation, even if it stole some of my sleep. Nice to remember I'm not the only one who worries over stuff. Guess that's it for now.

Comments

[qianian.livejournal.com]

Maya, your'e still being pretty vague about what the fight was about. If you're having vicious uncomfortable arguments already...

Love,
Q

the precise details

[debka-notion.livejournal.com]

He failed a midterm, asked me for "support", which I took to me, in classic Emma fashion as: "tell me what to do to fix things". What he meant was "tell me that you love me anyways". So I yelled at him for acting like I was his mother, and said that adults take care of such things for themselves. If he'd heard that the way I said it, he'd have known that I misunderstood him. But we were both kind of upset already. So eventually we hung up, and I got ready for shul, and was intensely worried that he was way too immature, etc. So later on we fought about whether or not my misunderstanding was a fatal flaw for our relationship or not, basically. He said that I messed up the first time he was upset in my "presence" as it were, and therefore I was likely to mess up again. Eventually I pointed out that the first email I sent to him where I was in a lousy mood and upset, he basically said that, while he'd kept all my other emails, he was throwing this one out, and that was it. Between than and telling him that he was fighting dirty (saying things like "I can't forgive you until I know I still love you" and telling me that I needed to come up there this weekend, with the implication that only that would prove that I cared enough about him.) and was fairly blunt about saying so, that he realized what he was doing, how much it freaked me out, and he apologized. Qian- all fights are vicious and uncomfortable. If they're not uncomfortable, they haven't done their job, usually. The point of fights is to deal with things that you can't deal with civilly. Almost 6 months is too early to have a first fight? I wouldn't know, of course, but...
May