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So much for getting ahead on my reading or anything- I'm not starting reading at 1:20 unless I need to, I don't think. Tomorrow I can get some good solid reading done, I think, between the Brass Ensemble performance (it's going ot be shoddy, but it should sound enthusiastic, and we stick together pretty well, at least), and going to hear Manginah. I'm not a bit fan of a capella stuff, but I think I'll go with Tovah or at least meet her there (she might go to hear us too, which makes me hopeful that there might even be as many audience members there as there are of us... I can dream... We're on first. If we don't play well, then maybe that will be a good thing though.)
I had a dream when I was napping that Liz was back in the room, and talking about meal plans, and something about a "kosher meal plan", and she was looking in the fridge, and I woke up frightened. Recently I had another dream of the very short variety, about a woman I know from dancing (who has 2 girls already, the younger of which I think is in college now, a freshman) being pregnant, with triplets, and everyone remarking how that would make 5 kids. I think there was some question about the father, too. Random, I think. Don't even know why she came up in my head at all.
I've been thinking a bit about the relationship between loneliness and jealousy. It seems easier to be lonely when you know that other people have sorts of connections that you lack. If everyone had similar strengths of friendships and amounts of contact, it would be easier to be content. But when everyone is pushing to become closer, and figure out to whom they're closest- it gets easy to feel lonely, and not-as-good. And sometimes people do seem to be competing, in some way, without thinking about it, almost. There's a lot of pressure in social stuff here and now- I don't remember that sort of pressure last year. Maybe it was the people I hung out with, maybe just my place in things. I don't like that sort of pressure and competition. I don't like competition at all, really. I want affection to be given, not competed for. Competing for affection seems dishonest- how can that be completely real? But I also don't want to be left alone. It puts me in a somewhat awkward place, on occasion.
Similarly, I wish I could really keep my ideas of people seperate from each other. It is so easy, especially when you don't know someone quite well enough, to make connections to other people and how you react and feel about them. And then, if you put more than a little energy into that, your ideas of them get intertwined more htan they should be. And how those people interact with others creates other problems. Sometimes I feel like a playing piece being competed for by different friends of mine. I don't think they see things that way, but somethings it feels that way. Perhaps I ought to feel flattered. But that's not the way I deal with the world. It might be easier, but no less complicated, I'm sure, and not as honest. And I really value honesty. It's a fine line to walk, between that and telling only that which I wish to tell.
I had a dream when I was napping that Liz was back in the room, and talking about meal plans, and something about a "kosher meal plan", and she was looking in the fridge, and I woke up frightened. Recently I had another dream of the very short variety, about a woman I know from dancing (who has 2 girls already, the younger of which I think is in college now, a freshman) being pregnant, with triplets, and everyone remarking how that would make 5 kids. I think there was some question about the father, too. Random, I think. Don't even know why she came up in my head at all.
I've been thinking a bit about the relationship between loneliness and jealousy. It seems easier to be lonely when you know that other people have sorts of connections that you lack. If everyone had similar strengths of friendships and amounts of contact, it would be easier to be content. But when everyone is pushing to become closer, and figure out to whom they're closest- it gets easy to feel lonely, and not-as-good. And sometimes people do seem to be competing, in some way, without thinking about it, almost. There's a lot of pressure in social stuff here and now- I don't remember that sort of pressure last year. Maybe it was the people I hung out with, maybe just my place in things. I don't like that sort of pressure and competition. I don't like competition at all, really. I want affection to be given, not competed for. Competing for affection seems dishonest- how can that be completely real? But I also don't want to be left alone. It puts me in a somewhat awkward place, on occasion.
Similarly, I wish I could really keep my ideas of people seperate from each other. It is so easy, especially when you don't know someone quite well enough, to make connections to other people and how you react and feel about them. And then, if you put more than a little energy into that, your ideas of them get intertwined more htan they should be. And how those people interact with others creates other problems. Sometimes I feel like a playing piece being competed for by different friends of mine. I don't think they see things that way, but somethings it feels that way. Perhaps I ought to feel flattered. But that's not the way I deal with the world. It might be easier, but no less complicated, I'm sure, and not as honest. And I really value honesty. It's a fine line to walk, between that and telling only that which I wish to tell.
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From:
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Oh how I see where you are coming from.
Competition for friends and emotions is disgusting and not at all what relationships should be.
That said, I sometimes feel that if you stop competing people 'drop you out of the running' to continue the metaphor. And that sickens me.
It sickens me almost as much as lies.
From:
no subject
I think it partly bothers me so much when a feeling of competition enters social situations -- general low-level competition, not where there are genuine areas of disagreement over which people take sides, which unpleasant though it is its own thing -- because when you've got the real thing, it doesn't cross your mind to compete. Unless maybe someone else is hell-bent on competing against you anyway and you have to react somehow. But it always seems to me a sign that something somewhere is seriously broken. And I never have any idea how to fix it, sometimes even how to find and isolate the broken piece in the first place. In myself or anyone else. I don't like being helpless like that.
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