debka_notion

Just another day- although it involved my first day teaching my NYC class of kids- 5 and 6 year olds. They're adorable and Very 5, and once I readjust to the notion that in this location, lots of the parents stay in the room during class, I'll get a little more fluid and less awkward. Also, my co-teacher here is new, and I think new to co-teaching, as well as being new to teaching littler kids, and I think that things will get even better as she warms up and we build a stronger teaching partnership. She's a lovely person, from what I can see- and I got her interested in the Interseminary Dialogue, which is a plus, too... (She goes to the seminary across the street...)

Otherwise classes were good. My Talmud teacher's approach to the texts that we're studying is very different (very rooted in how to use these texts in life, and how to use them in encountering people with other perspectives or whom we want to persuade) from anything I've encountered in a teacher before. It's really interesting, if sometimes a bit strong for my tastes. But I'm really glad to be encountering it- even if I don't know precisely what to do with it yet.

Yiddish class was quite good too. We're now reading a series of poets with an approach to poetry that I sometimes really like, and sometimes don't- but I'm finding that, as often happens, they speak to me more strongly out loud (I know, poetry is supposed to be read aloud- but I'm only so good at it, you know? Not good enough to feel like it's worth doing when I'm aloud, or like it gets me that much, when I'm the one reading it.) But there's one that I really liked- I'm thinking that it's worth sharing here. I found it a little over the top on my own, but in class, it was just really lovely. So here it goes: (Poem by Zishe Landau, translation by Irving Feldman)

This Evening
Evening in the house
where you sit and look out
the window,
and in her chair your wife is knitting
or maybe sewing.
You around- and she is sitting there
doing nothing.
the needle, scissors, cloth
are lying idle in her hands,
and she is lost in thought over the days and days
that creep by in worries.
here, say, everything is always missing
and the daily grind is inescapable.
And every day that's gone gone for good.
it won't come back again.
And just as this one has, the next too will pass,
and what was hoped for, waited for,
will also have gone past.

These are the things she is thinking,
when she looks up hopefully at you-
who have just now turned from the window
to look at her.
Everything suddenly is clear.
You get up
and go over to your wife, your faithful wife,
and touch her shoulder lightly
and stroke her hair,
and want to say so many sweet things to her,
and say not a single word.
You go back to your chair
and look out the window.
The night is deep, the stars are big,
and quietly your heart opens.

Today has been remarkably improved by spontaneously deciding to have lunch with a classmate, and by running into

crewgrrl on the street on my to the library. Classes are fine, interesting and pleasant, but today, the people have just sparkled.

Apparently, I was the Only person at shul this morning who wears tfillin on chol hamoed. It felt awkward- I kept thinking that I was doing something wrong, even though I knew I wasn't. A peer (a year ahead of me) shared his interesting minhag- he wears tfillin on chol hamoed, but only if he's davening alone, as additional something- I don't quite remember why.

Also, I was a bit stuck on my Talmud prep for tomorrow, and so H and I spent some time on it during tonight's skype conversation, and he did it from hearing me read, because his internet browser (wrong word- you know, explorer, or mozilla or what-not) wouldn't open. And not only did we manage to learn it, but it was fun. (And I just compared to the first time we learned gemara together, and I was so nervous that I could barely read, because I was worried he'd think I was incompetent. Versus now- I read, and from that, we worked out the sugya, and I read just fine, and understandably, and my only parsing error was one he caught out and clarified, no problem.)

And now- it's well past my bedtime. Sleep already, self- there's lots of life going on tomorrow.

Something I found on a blog, worthy of remembering/trying to work into my head. The author of the blog quotes it from somewhere (or misquotes it, as it claims), I don't know where, so I continue the pattern:

"And I misquote, to bring to more to home:

My mother's gap-toothed smile is endearing. My small mouth in endearing. My friend's large nose with the small bump makes her look soulful, exotic. Beauty marks and moles are interesting. Large hips can be sexy. A rounded belly. Dark brown eyes. Short legs. A loud sense of humor. A laugh that comes from somewhere deep inside. The ability to cry.

Our so-called shortcomings, physical and emotional, mental and spiritual, make us who we are, and make us memorable. "

Those of you who've used certain prayerbooks have encountered the version of Kaddish with the names of concentration camps interspersed between each of the words. It's absolutely horrid, in terms of the meaning of the text of Kaddish, which praises G-d, and is not actually a mournful text.

On the other hand, I've seen it used, and while I despised it, I also found it frighteningly effective, as an emotion-provoking piece. I don't know why it works, but it does.

So, when faced with something so contradictory, what do you do?

In other words, my new computer has arrived. It's pretty decently set up, although I'm not entirely finished downloading programs and the like yet.

The one issue for me to adjust to thus far is that the touchpad is frighteningly over-sensitive, and I'm going to have to learn to type without brushing it by accident: right now my cursor ends up jumping to interesting places that I don't want it, and so I end up typing in the midst of other words, etc.

Dear Self,
Please remember that attempting to run errands at school in the morning after minyan is pointless, no one is there yet. On the other hand, the computer lab is open, and is much quieter before 9am.

Also, please remember that the alarm clock works better when you make sure that the volume is higher than 0- an alarm that goes off but which you cannot hear is not actually any more useful than no alarm at all.

Well, Rosh Hashanah didn't go so badly- utterly exhausting, and with a few pretty dumb mistakes (when you plan to hand out English readings, write down where they are in your own book, same thing with ark opennings- otherwise, it's awfully hard to remember where they are, and why you don't remember practicing that bit of liturgy...), but I seem to have satisfied the congregants who said anything to me. It's hard to believe that it's easily summed up like that, but really, the details of which ark opennings I messed up, when I dropped the tune or started the wrong one, or that sort of thing just aren't worth recording, except maybe in my machzor so that I work on those aspects more for next year.

(On the other hand, 3 days without talking to H was hard. Really lonely. I'm not looking forward to doing that again for Sukkot, or again so soon thereafter... But we did talk about the contradictory desires that we had to be together for the holiday and for him to be at home for it, which he'd really been wanting. Next year, G-d willing, we'll be together. And then also, provided the gig is ok with it, things could be easier and less exhausting, since we can divide up the work, at least as far as leading and leyning goes. It would make things So much calmer, I think. And he has the skill-set, it isn't like I'd be asking him to learn a whole bunch of things, or vice versa. And I miss getting some chance to pray privately, really- the whole holiday felt sort of surreal, because I was so focused on work and leading things and reviewing sermons, etc. Not like this is an unusual complaint for a rabbinical student.)

Mom and Dad came out to join me for Shabbat, which made for a much less quiet shabbat than usual, which was really what I needed by that point. (Sukkot is going to be interesting in that regard, since that will be another 3 days out there on my own, and with rather less time being absorbed in shul/anxiety/exhaustion. I'll bring lots of reading, and well, hopefully I'll sleep a lot, I guess.) They also meant that we made a minyan both at night and in the morning... It was funny- a lot of my regulars were gone, so they didn't meet many of the faces from my stories, but having the time with them cushioned the change of being back at school, too.

Then, motzei shabbos, we headed out to visit some relatives who live farther in the same direction as my shul. It was a nice visit- we don't see them (or really, any of the relatives on my father's father's side of the family, who are fairly few and quite scattered) very often at all. Mostly the visit was spent eating and talking, along with going with them to a shul program entitled "Shofars on the [local river]" or something like that. It was funny, going to a shul event of that sort- I haven't done that in ages, especially not as an uninterested party. It was a cute event, if a bit silly for me, and not Really what I wanted to be doing with my family visiting time. But it was short, and they clearly had a lovely time.

Tomorrow- first day of school. Wish me luck!

I just ordered myself a new computer. We'll see how this one goes- but thanks to my roommate from last year, who is delightful in many, many ways, I got an excellent discount, and found myself a computer. Wish me luck with it. What a way to go into a new year. It'll arrive, well, at some point, depending on how all goes. So I'll still be computer lab dependant for a while yet- but the time is now at least limitted.

Services for Rosh Hashanah are coming along, nearly ready (I should probably find/pick another couple of readings, but if not, I imagine that they'll just have to deal with less rabbi-chosen inspiration and a shorter service.), and I need to grocery shop, work a shift in the dining hall, and finish up packing (it's nicely underway). Then I do the good old disappearing trick, and re-appear sometime on Sunday. (But my folks are coming out to spend shabbos with me- that's something to look forward to.)

Yesterday was a wild round of errands (food, sticky tack, various stuff in assorted combinations), hapless computer research, and a bunch of holiday preparations. But it ended with a nice conversation with H, and then with a visit from

cynara_linnaea, which made for a really lovely evening. Then I woke up this morning, quite early, feeling that pre-high holiday adrenaline starting to flow.

Next up, the grocery store. Shanah Tovah to all to whom it is relevant- wishing you all a happy and healthy new year.

I think that my computer is not long for this world- it is not a happy machine right now- wouldn't turn on, for a few hours (then consented to do so once I called tech support), and the cursor keeps doing absurd things.

So I think I'm going to be in the market for a new computer shortly. Eep- this is not an area of expertise, nor was it precisely in my budget plans. Still, it's been 4 years, nearly precisely, since I acquired this one (always a smidge fidgety), so it's about time, I suppose.

And while I'd go through with tech support to try and figure it out- apparently since it's out of warranty, if they help me in any depth, they charge for tech support too, even if it doesn't help. Since the thing is dying, it makes me more likely just to go get a new one, rather than trying to eek out more time with this one, if I have to pay for that privilege.

This morning, Mom helped me finish packing up my things, and my folks returned me to NYC. There were complications along the way, mostly in the shape of an RD who is out of town and forgot to leave my keys at the security desk, or in fact, anywhere that anyone could get them without having to call the head of Reslife, get permission to open his office to get the master key, then open the RD's room in order to get my keys from where he'd left them. The whole thing took ages, and was totally absurd- although the security folks were really very kind and helpful about the whole thing. But it was a bit of a nightmare of phone calls and administrative error for a while, there.

So, a new semester, a new room. I've unpacked and mostly put my things away- easier when you're only bringing stuff for 4 months, not 8 (and not even quite all I need for 4 months- I'll swap off some summer stuff for winter things a bit later on. One advantage of wanting to be home a bit more often this semester, since I'm not going to be so local next semester, and because it should facilitate some of this wedding planning business, and because I'm enjoying seeing my parents- things can be swapped off.)

The room is a pleasant one- courtyard side, so it's fairly quiet and there's plant life out the window, and someone left a trashcan, and a bedside structure, and the modem, so even though facilities isn't open today, I have internet that isn't the fairly unreliable wireless.

I need to get some sticky tack to put up my posters, after which the place will feel a bit more homey- but so far, so good. A little lonely feeling right now, but not too bad, as far as "just moved in" feelings go.

To do (in no particular order: Acquire sticky tack, groceries. Acquire blank paper, maybe some pretty paper too for putting my name on the door, and also for making my machzor noticably different so I can keep track of it. Work on sermons and touch-up liturgy for Rosh Hashanah. Prepare for the start of classes. Get comfortable here. Wonder why my computer is acting up this time, maybe even fix it. And the rest of the usual stuff...

But in any case, I've returned to the city.

This morning, Mom helped me finish packing up my things, and my folks returned me to NYC. There were complications along the way, mostly in the shape of an RD who is out of town and forgot to leave my keys at the security desk, or in fact, anywhere that anyone could get them without having to call the head of Reslife, get permission to open his office to get the master key, then open the RD's room in order to get my keys from where he'd left them. The whole thing took ages, and was totally absurd- although the security folks were really very kind and helpful about the whole thing. But it was a bit of a nightmare of phone calls and administrative error for a while, there.

So, a new semester, a new room. I've unpacked and mostly put my things away- easier when you're only bringing stuff for 4 months, not 8 (and not even quite all I need for 4 months- I'll swap off some summer stuff for winter things a bit later on. One advantage of wanting to be home a bit more often this semester, since I'm not going to be so local next semester, and because it should facilitate some of this wedding planning business, and because I'm enjoying seeing my parents- things can be swapped off.)

I need to get some sticky tack to put up my posters, after which the place will feel a bit more homey- but so far, so good. A little lonely feeling right now, but not too bad, as far as "just moved in" feelings go.

To do (in no particular order: Acquire sticky tack, groceries. Acquire blank paper, maybe some pretty paper too for putting my name on the door, and also for making my machzor noticably different so I can keep track of it. Work on sermons and touch-up liturgy for Rosh Hashanah. Prepare for the start of classes. Get comfortable here. Wonder why my computer is acting up this time, maybe even fix it. And the rest of the usual stuff...

But in any case, I've returned to the city.

In Israel, I'd often tell H all about my day at school and the like, and he'd tel me he felt funny that he didn't have so much to tell me about his day: he was working a variety of small jobs, and was home or on his own a bunch more than I was. Now, he's working, and I'm working at home, preparing for the holidays and that sort of thing- and I'm finding that now I'm the one with fewer stories and topics of interest. Things flex. It just amuses me, somehow.

I have time to hang out in NYC on Sunday. Anyone around and free?

Yesterday was the sort of day where nothing gets done. I started things, but the only things where I made any progress were things like laundry, crocheting (I made several kippot for the wedding), setting up lists (and doing nothing with them past that)... At least, in the evening, Mom and I had a nice workout together. Working out with her is motivational for me- at least with some things, she gets me to keep at it a little longer than I would on my own, and having someone else involved gets me to start- initiation energy is generally my weak point, both in exercise and in various sorts of work.

Having said that, I took that thought and just used it to motivate me to make a call and write some emails that I've been putting off due to anxiety. (And the result of the call was quite calming and useful, too.) So something pretty good came out of this introspection. Now, 'just' to figure out how to keep it up/improve.

Yesterday, H and I went to see a space (the one we're going to use) for our wedding, and had a preliminary conversation with a caterer, for the same. From there, we went to NYC, spent some time at the Museum of Natural History (H adores dinosaurs, and it made a lovely contrast for me- I'd tried to go there with some previous boyfriends/dates, and it never worked- sometimes more dramatically than others. So going and making it there was sort of a symbolic thing for me. After the museum closed, we walked downtown to meet H's oldest childhood friend, whom he hadn't seen in a number of years. So they got caught up, I met Steve, and we briefly met his wife (and I got to hear a lot of delightful childhood stories). I'd been pretty nervous about it, beforehand, but it went well- I was delighted by how easily and pleasantly Steve laughed. Then he traveled with us to where we were staying (fairly close to his home), helped us find

hatam_soferet's building, and we said our goodbyes. Seeing

hatam_soferet, whom I haven't seen in Quite a while, was lovely, and I was very pleased that we got to hang out a bit before heading to sleep.

Tomorrow- another trip to my pulpit, and then on Sunday, H heads off to Boston to start his training for his job this year...

My birthday celebrations turned out to be quite lovely, in a sort of classically absurd manner. The family party, scheduled to go from 2-4, started at 1, and people were still around just after 4, when we left home to go to East Rock for my party with friends. Although I ran out, basically, so that no one would get to East Rock and be totally puzzled as to where we were, none of my guests showed up until about 4:30 or 4:45, where, classic to the way these things work, my guest coming from the furthest away showed up. Nevertheless, there was food, conversation, word games, and a lot of general fun. Afterwards, we kept my best friend from growing up with us at home for snack and hang-out time en famille, as it were. It was tremendously good to see him again (of course I haven't since before I left for Israel- not knowing that he's home, doing an internship and some other work locally, this summer) and to catch up. His girlfriend is also local these days- she's doing a PhD at Yale, and the last time I saw her was when I met her, about 3 years ago. So now I can look forward to a chance to actually get to know her some this summer.

Today: wedding rehearsal, a bit of my sister's bachelorette party, and a Shabbat with H amidst my family.

This is the first time it's rained since I got home (no big surprise, it's been only a little over a week). Somehow, I feel like the rain sounds different here- gentler. I don't know why- maybe because rain isn't associated with cold and nasty, just wet.

I got home yesterday evening, nearly an hour before the shuttle company claimed I was going to be getting to New Haven (and the diver, a very kind person, let me borrow his cell phone to call Mom and Dad to come get me from the shuttle terminal, where there seemed to be no outside pay-phone, and it was closed for the evening already.) So I was traveling for something like 23 hours, door to door, and somehow managed to then stay awake until a reasonable bedtime (only a few hours after I got home), and then mysteriously wake up at 6:40 this morning. I highly anticipate a nap in my future, since in the last two days, I slept from 12 to 3:30, my last night in Israel, and then in random bursts of nap on planes and shuttles, then finally got some reasonable but not overly long night's sleep last night.

Still, I'm home, I have a few things to do today, but not too much. I'm going to leave a bunch of the to-do list for tomorrow and afterward. Already, I've tried on a dress Mom had originally gotten to maybe wear to my sister's wedding herself, decided against and head onto for me. It seems like it might just be right. It's just a little daring for my standards, meaning that it's fairly tame by anyone else's, but I think for this sort of thing, it's probably fine. And not to have to worry about finding a dress- that is an Awesome and wonderful idea.

And to think that I was originally supposed to have left this morning... Instead, today was quite a busy day.

First thing in the morning, H and I called his folks on Skype for our weekly chat, and I got to met his grandmother, whom we'd arranged for his parents to have over so that she and I could meet. She seems quite lovely.

Then we went over to my place and put in a load of laundry. From there, we set out and walked to the old city, where we went gift-hunting for my family, and found what I think are some nice little presents. This involved some bargaining, which isn't something either of us loves, but which we accomplished fairly well, I think. It also involved not actually getting lost- thanks to H's sense of direction (clearly, not to mine, I have none, especially in places like that). He was also of great help in helping me think about what I was looking for, and pointing out things that he thought might fit the pattern of what I'd looked at thus far/how I'd described folks' tastes. The final decisions were mine- but he was an incredible help.

From there, we walked downtown and got some lunch. Then we went to the poster shop for him to get a few things to start getting gifts for his family, as he's leaving in about 2 weeks. From there, we brought some books I'd bought this year that I didn't think were worth bringing back to the states with me back to the bookstores from whence they came, and got some trade credit or cash back for them. From there, we walked back to my place.

At my apartment, we hung out one load of laundry, and then went back to H's for more of his laundry, since he doesn't have a laundry machine at his apartment, and figured we'd make the most of access to mine before I go, especially since there are now no roommates to share it with (one left weeks ago, the other two left early this morning.) So we returned, did more laundry, and I worked on cleaning up the place- being the last one out has its disadvantages, especially since my roommates missed doing a few of the things that they were originally going to be doing, in terms of cleaning the place up. At a certain point, I gave in for the day, since there is yet more laundry to do tomorrow morning, and decided to go on back to H's place so we could have some dinner. Tomorrow, I'll finish up the last pieces of cleaning, along with the rest of the laundry.

It was quite the busy day- tomorrow ought to be lower key. But I'm really not sure how I'd have gotten all of this done if I were leaving this morning. I guess I'd have fit what had to be done in somehow, but this unexpected extra few days has ended up making life rather more relaxed.

Clever Title Goes Here

It's the Little Things

Chol HaMoed

A Good Reminder: On Body Image

A Liturgical Quandry

Ahh, this is Useful

Note To Self

High Holidays and Family

Well then

Ugh: Computer Unhappiness

Back in NYC

Back in NYC

Funny

In NYC

Motivation and Distraction

Explorations in Preparation, and A Trip to NYC

Birthday and General Insanity

Rain

Home Sweet Home

Busy Day

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