The Formalist 10 Days Apology

[debka_notion]

I used to/still do think that the formalism of apologizing to pretty much everyone you can see is rather silly, in and of itself. It rarely actually deals with stuff that you're actually upset about. But it does clean the air, or make it clear that the air is clean, sometimes, and for that it is useful. Still, it's this moment of awkwardness that sometimes seems only very vaguely useful- it almost seems like it isn't worth it, often enough.

But then I just thought about that moment of awkwardness and the reassurance that generally follows it from friends that they have forgiven any minor trespasses and that there have not been major ones. It really does give you this moment of fairly intense connection with the other person, rather like the end of a fight but without the fight preceding it, and that can be a little boost to strengthen a relationship. I think that going into Yom Kippur with solid interpersonal relationships is probably a very good thing. So perhaps the goal of what is usually more ritual than functional discussion of offenses has a more subtle purpose.

Comments

[thevortex.livejournal.com]

It leaves me wondering what happens where there actually is a major offense that needs to be pardoned...

(Not to mention the people that think that there was a major offense where none existed.)

G'mar tov!

The Vortex

[shirei-shibolim.livejournal.com]

In a more perfect world I suppose that, upon the question's being asked, the two parties would actually sit down and talk about it. In a more perfect world.

[(Anonymous)]

You're forgiven for the *OH* so terrible thing you did.



Oh. Right. Nevermind. Mooving along now. Moooo!

(I pretty much agree- i don't normally find much value in it. I'm not likely to forgive a few spectacularly* bad things that have been done, but beyond that... I forgive you for... whatever it is that i don't have any recollection of.

* - It wasn't you. It wasn't anyone you know. It wasn't anyone you're likely to ever meet. It wasn't even someone that most of the people you know that know me have even heard of. Don't worry.

[shirei-shibolim.livejournal.com]

Nonspecific blanket forgiveness from an anonymous poster. Touching. :)

[spazerrific.livejournal.com]

Yeah... I was having that issue (and more specifically the one that the anonymous poster was talking about)... but I still go through to motions, I've had my "I forgive you, please forgive me" away message up since last Wednesday, and for the little things, I think it's enough. When it comes to the big things (like the conduct of an ex-bf who shall remain nameless...) as each year goes by, it actually makes it harder to let go because, though I have apologized to him in the appropriate time period last year for whatever I put him through (because I recognize that I did), he basically said "thank you, but we should keep our distance" meaning that he doesn't want to hear from me, and doesn't recognize that he had any fault in the situation whatsoever. I understand we're supposed to forgive everyone b/c transgressions committed against another person and all that, but if the person doesn't seek forgiveness... how does that fit in?

[debka-notion.livejournal.com]

If you have asked someone for forgiveness three times and they have not forgiven you, it becomes their sin, not yours.

If they have offended you and have not sought your forgiveness- certainly it would still be better to forgive them, regardless, but at least you are not sinning in not forgiving them, I *think*.

[gallusgallus.livejournal.com]

I probably should apologize to my friend Sarah in accordance with this Jewish tradition. We had a vicious fight about four weeks ago and haven't been on speaking terms since, which has vastly increased the serenity of life. I know she wants me to apologize and this seems like a good opportunity/excuse to do it, but I predict that if I do she'll say something to make me even angrier.